a little ... disjointed.

I live my life week by week, test to test. It’s quite pathetic really, come to think of it. So I shan’t.

I've been dreaming alot about my old braces, which I'd had almost ten years ago. Must be the stress of the exams. Exams in two weeks (see what I mean??)... STRESS. Internal Med is so much harder than Surgery, because there's just a bottomless pit of information we have to drown ourselves in. But it's also very enjoyable, because a lot of things actually make more sense now, and that's just great. Anyway, back to braces. If you've never had them, putting on braces is like having someone punch you in the teeth, only worse, because the pain's constant and you can't eat or talk or anything without feeling it. But lately, I've missed the pain ... It's very comforting, in a I-feel-like-I'm-13-again way.

I've not been studying enough. Shall starve and stay up!! Rather, starve to stay up!! Have been having too many comfort sausages. The ginormous pork ones :( And ham too. Otherwise, I avoid pork like a muslim. Oh! and my century eggs of course. The ammonia's sooo addictive -- and totally disgusting hahaha. I'm going to wind up dead in a coupla years. Stress + oily fatty food = Malignant hypertension + off-the-chart hyperlipidaemia = atherosclerosis = ischaemic heart disease.

I want lilies at my funeral. Big ones. And I just wanna say -- I still love my life, stress and all :)

they don't exist

Wentworth Miller.

I've lusted after him since the Human Stain. Hell yeah. Aint it funny how he looks somewhat like Jose Mourinho? Only better built and hotter. But Jose still scores (please let his hair grow back please please keep him in a suit and tie) because he's a real-life alpha male family guy -- how rare are those?? Lord knows what this guy's like in real life, but he sure is HOT. Need to get hands on Prison Break. Now.

under my bed

You know you need a life when the shoes you've never worn outnumber those you've set feet in.

pity party

This flu bug’s really frying my brain cells. My cranial fossa’s a burning furnace right now and everything is just turning to ash in there. All the useful facts from whatever few classes we’ve been having, all the reading I’ve been trying to do… everything seems to be going up in smoke. I can’t think anymore and Jay Chou’s making me cry. It’s like everything on his new album’s just so sad, it’s all about breaking up and going away and people growing old and self sacrifice, so why’s it still so compelling? Oh I don’t know … have slept till evening blanketed in 18 degree darkness and two fluffy pillows. Still no go.

At least all this only began today. A non-schoolday. After a nice dinner yesterday. At the end of a week, where if I chose to postpone dying from achey flu now to dying next week from overwork, I could sleep for hours and hours at a stretch and fake a mini-break.

It’s nice meeting someone after a sizeable timeout, and finding that the choices made from a long time ago were right after all. But at the same time, the old fondness hasn’t faded and is now evolving into a special friendship instead. I think I see him for who he truly is now, and while it isn’t what I saw before, and it isn’t what’s right for me, he’s someone I can now quite simply, like.

Ah Beng did such a wonderful job with my rims, and on a Saturday too, so am most pleased. He’s really adorable.

Fuzzy… Time to hit the sheets.

addendum: to a very special red flower

J dear, I don’t know if you read this, but I just wanna say I totally empathize with the stuff you’ve written about. About you know, the Y and the guy and the Y guy.

Yeah what IS it with men? Why DO they need everything to be typed out in black and white or worse, shoved on a blimp way up in the sky for the world to see before they get it? Well, hate being a man-basher and shit but woman, you totally nailed it with that one. Suffice to say, have retired from the game because black-and-white just ain’t my style. But my dear if you’re still game, my advice remains – go satisfy that curiosity :) scratch that itch! And get over that mixed-signaled, stressed-out, totally unworthy #*$%&@.

Oh, and bloody cofm. Really. Honestly. What’s it for???

bad things

1) Deb's flying off Monday : (
2) Flu has ravaged my brain and bones
3) Big COFM shitty presentation next week
4) Ah Beng's way too nice
5) Century Eggs -- a perfect gift :( why oh why oh why??? why NOW??

anaesthetized

So life isn't always fair :) But at least I've tried, and he did sit down and read it through thoroughly and ultimately couldn't find fault, and taught me some new things besides! So I'm happy, because he is a really enthusiastic teacher, and while his marking logic leaves lots to be desired, at least I know I've not done anything wrong, and concepts are sound; he's just raised the bar a lot and expects a lot more than the average tutor. In the grander scheme of things, it's all thanks to him that I've raised my game. Am satisfied :)

Pink cockatoos are my favorite animal, and I'd really really wanted one yesterday to sleep with because it was such a lonely and sad and disheartening day. Apparently if you raise them from the time they're babies and cuddle them to sleep, they'll let you do it all their lives. They're friendly, but really dumb (as in they can't talk very well and make lots of inane noises). But the pink ones are so beautiful. Shall get one I think, in lieu of human companionship! Only, I hope they're not endangered or illegal or something.

Accident on the roads today. Fell asleep and hit the curb and will have to re-spray my rims. Well. After a whole year of keeping them perfectly manicured, that's strike two in under a month. Given my cranky sleeping hours, I suppose it was just an accident waiting to happen and it's a good thing I didn't wind up in a longkang or crash into a lamppost.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts :)

war

Could've done with a pink cockatoo today.

It's thoroughly depressing when after spending sleepless nights and hours upon of hours of reading putting together a report that literally sucked the life out of me, all that effort gets completely trashed. All I wound up with were a few arbitrary pen marks all over the place and more than half the report left unread and a really lousy score. It's more the injustice of it all that kills me rather than the insignificant grade, plus the fact that I really didn't benefit at all from his illegible critique. Am going to get him to explain what on earth he was about.

He's not gonna get away with his nonsense this time.

percy pigs

Familiarity breeds comfort. And with comfort, comes fondness.

Actually I think liking is all about comfort at the end of the day. I mean we can say all we want about going nuts over what we can't have and craving the impossible, but at the end of the day what we come home to are the things that we can't live without, the things we've grown so accustomed to we take for granted, without which life would be so... uncomfortable, unpleasant, unsatisfactory. You know, that's probably how we wind up 'learning' to like something/one. But oh well. There are things/ones that I simply won't ever like. And things/ones I won't need to learn to love : ) Like the dude who played General Yin in The Banquet! Think he's called Huang Xiao Ming or something awful like that. Hot hot hottie.

Well that was besides the point really, because all I wanted to say was that I really like the cardiac and respiratory systems of the body. But ultimately, it's probably because we've been exposed to mostly cardiorespiratory cases and thus the familiarity and fondness.

Yay write-up 2 is done and dusted :) And perhaps, more coherent than the previous one. Am glad I did a respiratory case after all, because Dr Sri**** is the gold-standard when it comes to grading a report, and if he thinks I'm alright, I am, and if I'm not, at least he'll tell me what to look out for in future. I'm happy tonight.

The Banquet was really... well, slow. It was like everything was in slow-mo and it felt alot like a ballet actually. The storyline was wafer-thin but there were great things like the elaborate dance and wushu (taichi?) sequences and wonderful wonderful costumes and of course, music. So it was pretty enjoyable, if not exactly entertaining. And as mentioned, the General Yin character who was sooo hot. Wonder if he only looks good in period costumes though... he's kinda cheena, but hot :) Daniel Wu was rather effete actually so that was disappointing.

Am craving a pooh bear. And some winegums.

tinnitus

I have two brilliant gorgeous pairs of shoes that I'm dying to take out to town. Especially this absolutely to DIE for patent RED pair of chunky 4inchers that would so kill my toes but would be so totally worth it.

Ya gotta love being a woman sometimes.

Unfortunately, with the deadline for writeups being this Tuesday, and with me being me -- a combination of plain bad luck and pure stupidity, I've wound up with:
1) Dr Sri**** who is like the ULTIMATE strict dude -- he's my mentor and he'll be marking this write-up. Lord knows if he'll pass me. Grr. And did I mention his specialty's Respiratory Medicine?? And of all cases I just had to pick a RESPI one this time?!
2) A most complicated patient. He was SO sweet though. Well, complicated in a sense that his case is not straightforward at all, and upon first inspection, it could be his heart, kidneys or lungs or a combination of ALL the above causing his breathlessness and cough and peripheral edema.
3) And I've not started writing any of it yet.

Oh and for my last write-up, I did a cardiac patient and guess who wound up marking my paper? Dr Ja**, the HEAD OF CARDIOLOGY. What's up with that?? I tell you, I must've offended somebody at the associate dean's office.

And it's Sunday evening and I'll be going out to watch The Banquet tonight anyway because I can't put off Daniel Wu any longer. And I really REALLY want to wear my shoes. And am desperately in lust over the magnificent wardrobe. And Daniel Wu. And that old fogey playing the bad guy. And Tan Dun.

There's this constant buzzing in my head -- "don't go don't go do your write up don't leave it all till Monday don't be dumb just START on it dammit" -- but I can't I can't I can't. It's the whole week's worth of depressing weather, and a whole bunch of sad things. It's basically pure escapism. I really really really need some sort of comfort.

Even if it does involve bruised toes and insatiable lust...

grown up

This week's a wet one. The skies have been overcast mostly, and when it's not pouring, there's a constant dampness in the air that makes one curse the forgotten umbrella.

It was a week not unlike the time when my grandfathers' wakes were held. I attended my third this week. One of my dearest friends lost her dad a few days ago, to one of the rarest forms of cancer. It was very sad, because it all happened so quickly, and he was still so young. I marvelled mostly at how strong she was. She held herself up, tears notwithstanding, mingled with her relatives and friends, and as always, put a positive spin on things. She'd kept her nerve and her wits about her because she had to be strong for her mother and kid brother. When we hugged, tears unshed left her trembling as she repeated her mantra. Her tribute was heartwrenching, her goodbyes left us all grieving with her. I have so much more to say, so much that I felt, but can't put any of it into words.

My heart goes out to you, my dearest.

do you?

I think the only reason why I would ever go out with someone in the faculty is because if I said things like, "I can never decide if I'm sinus tachycardia or atrial fibrillation" they'd (hopefully) understand.

Well, that aside.

They'd probably understand too, the ache one feels, having to stay by the bedside while a patient was effectively being told his death sentence. I should be used to this right now, honestly, the 'dying from cancer' thing. It happens -- 30% of deaths are because of cancer, and we see it everyday. But what still makes me cry is having to be there while a patient is first told of their prognosis, especially when they have to understand that it's stage 4, it's terminal, and it's spread such that not much can be done, save to palliate their symptoms. It's tough having to be there while a patient is shocked into silence, and the whole grieving process begins. Shock, anger, guilt, acceptance. The look on their faces, that look of disbelief and being at a complete loss of what to do and wondering how quickly their loved ones can be informed and what on earth they'll do with the time they've left. Everything, everything everything eloquently expressed by the sagging of their shoulders, the deadening of their eyes, the pliancy of their limbs. And today, my patient asked, "Doctor will I still be able to work" and the tears just wouldn't stay away.

The most beautiful thing about doing medicine and being a doctor, is the comforting we are allowed to partake of. It takes as much out of our spirit as the endless toil does, and one really wonders at one's capacity for pain sometimes. It literally hurts; it burns, it cuts to the core and you can't help but keep at it, because it validates your intrusion, your worth. It is penance for the privilege of being invited into a person's life, and what our job really is all about. It's exciting, saving lives. It's even glamorous sometimes, given the power we potentially wield to pull a patient back from the brink. But ultimately, we don't always have a cure, sometimes situations are beyond us, but one thing we can do is comfort, always. And sometimes, that's really all we have to give, and perhaps all someone really wants.

bright and sparkly! bright and sparkly!

Sometimes it's so exhausting having to face people. I mean just in general. Some days I peel my eyes open, after squeezing them shut for those extra 15 minutes of sleep, and wonder how on earth I'll survive the day. I hate leaving my egyptian cotton. And I really hate early mornings. They have a funny smell, and the pre-dawn darkness is oppressive. This whole "clinics" thing requires people-personning, and constant high-EQ alert, and limitless patience. I need a bottomless pit of good humor on top of needing my brains to be in shape and well, most times, the bottom starts showing post-lunch and the brain is more bridget jones than gisele bundchen and by the time it's all over, I'll not fit to be seen. Get me at 5pm and I'll bite your head off. Some days, anyway.

Well, today was one of those days. Fred, my spoilt grouch of a tortoise, bore the brunt of the explosion today. He bloody BIT me that freak -- I mean, aren't tortoises VEGAN?? As if the endless percussing (banging against the finger to mark out organs/masses) hadn't already callused my fingers, as if the birds didn't gobble their share of my finger pulp, and as IF I'd anything but the best of intentions! So I turned him round and put him on his back and watched him trying to rock himself back to a prone position. HA! If only his legs weren't so long :( He took all of 15 seconds to right himself again and went right back to gobbling the bloody lettuce which I'd no heart to confiscate.

Anyway, I'm beginning to feel the pressure. Have been slagging off for too long :( The amount of reading is seemingly endless and my ignorance knows no bounds. Why oh why is my brain so leaky??? I sincerely hope we're taking our exams at AH. If not, we'd REALLY be shortchanged.

down with blondes!

I've recently discovered The Veronicas. They are absolutely amazing. I mean they're outta this world. They're so good I can't listen to them on the road because I'd seriously bust the speed limit beyond redemption.

Just thought I'd blog them because like everything else in my head, I'd forget them in a while (couple more months maybe) and perhaps one day I'll read this and remember how awesome they were and dig out the old tracks 3 and 4 all over again.

Thanks joob.

ruffled

People think too much. Honestly.

My mum, who is the least self-absorbed and least into-abstract-thinking person I know seems to lead a much simpler (and happier) life than most. She doesn't dissect conversation into microscopic components in an attempt to analyse them cell by cell, and she certainly doesn't think twice about what she's been told, whether to question the motive or truth or possibility or logic behind it all. I'm not implying that she's superficial or that she takes things for granted or anything, but she simply takes things as they are and doesn't obssess about the whys and wherefores and whatnots. And she certainly doesn't obssess for days if she did something silly, wallowing in embarrassment and self-loathing, and wondering how on earth she'd face the world. She faces it most readily and happily, and spends her time organizing her shoe cupboard as opposed to mulling over her latest faux pas. Indeed, if she actually ever thinks she's done something silly. Oh she's just happy, happy, HAPPY.

Unlike her daughter, plus a million other girls. Who put things on rewind and repeat and zoom in and out and oh I don't know girls who live with a thousand neuroses and complexes and are practically walking garbagebags full of issues. So I exaggerate but honestly, why can't I be like that? You know, simple and sweet and oblivious to nuances (real or otherwise) and be unselfconscious enough to accept that hey, we all act, no ARE the fool sometimes and it's funny so move on.

Just because :( I hate this. I wish everybody just says what they mean, and means what they say. Then everything wouldn't be so complicated and subtle and gray. You! Go hire a blimp!

Well... on the bright side, perhaps I'm not neurotic or angsty at all, going by the mean. It's probably only because I only seem to have my mum for comparison and she's like, Ms Happy All The Time, and I'm fretting like ... *cringe* an old maid!!

leave women alone

Last Saturday was probably the worst day of my life on the roads and I didn't even realise the impending doom. The emergency ESP didn't kick in or anything and anyway, here's what I wound up with:
1) A scratched rim
2) 3 asshole tailgaters
3) A speeding ticket worth $150 and 6 bloody demerit points

And since I only found out Friday evening about number 3, I spent Friday afternoon speeding down the PIE-CTE in order to rush down from CGH to SGH for a renal tutorial (that technically, was pretty darn good -- but worth the potential additional 6 demerit points? I REALLY don't think so). And so now I'm worrying my bloody arse off wondering if I'll get ANOTHER speeding ticket in the next couple of days.

And in another case of it never rains, but frigging pours, I wound up with a female chinese police officer when I went down all the way to Ubi yesterday to appeal for less demerit points. A jolly Malay dude was sitting in the other room but SHE!! pushed my number. Needless to say, she refused to give any reduction whatsoever and told me to submit an appeal instead and wait THREE WEEKS. Honestly? 3 weeks? Woman if I were any less kanchiong do you think I'd bother going all the way down to some outback town trying to get my points reduced? 3 weeks?? So, after hauling ass down the PIE and getting all the way to oh I don't know some other ooloo town in the east, I got so fed up I u-turned back and headed straight for the Malay dude. Who was strict indeed, but ultimately reduced my demerit points to 4, which given the fact that I was 30kmh over the speed limit was really the limit. And it wasn't like I was dumb enough to get caught by a speed camera -- twas one of those cops hiding in the bushes with their laser speedtraps who caught me. ON A HAPPY, LAZY, TOTALLY TRAFFIC-FREE SATURDAY MORNING.

Boooo.

wanted: prozac and beta blockers

Eye contact's a bitch.

It's so hard for me to look at some people in the eye and carry out a decent conversation. When I get nervous, it shows. When I am uncomfortable, I fidget (as in spastic twitches, not the occasional hairflick or nailbite), drop things all over the place and morph into MEGABIGLOSERKLUTZ. It was SO AWFUL I don't think I'll live it down for a long long long long time.

I'm always trying to find the serene, confident inner me that miraculously turns up at the most critical of moments (aiyah exams lah). When situations turn deadly, I guess that's when the emergency Elegance button gets pushed and tadaah I morph into someone I wish were all the time -- slick, calm and in absolute control.

But I'm not. And that situation was only dire, not deadly. So yeah I got stuck with megabigloserklutz and won't be able to live this down for some time yet. Which is why one shouldn't ever drop bombs in one's backyard. Because you'll have to live with the consequences for a LONG time and can't run away from the mess that's just sitting there and staring at you and everybody you know will have to bear with the crap too.

Have never felt so fretful in a long time. Am drowning in a cesspool of wretchedness.

fork

The ECP gets prettier and prettier each time I see it, with its neverending row of trees and retro condos that line its shoulder. I especially love driving toward the city, you know that stretch of highway where the city skyline's shown to best advantage? It keeps me from griping about the distance. I love driving down Rochor Road too, with the added incentive of famous beancurd just round the corner off Short Street :)

The PIE is another highway altogether. I loathe having to travel along it, though it really is more convenient. It winds through the industrial heartland, and there is nothing about the scenery that is remotely inviting. The roads are seriously messy too and everybody's always changing from one lane to another. And the second lane always seems to be travelleing faster than the first. It's ugly ugly ugly.

I'll admit -- the East isn't bad at all :) but only if one gets there via the ECP.

cingular

Ha! The relief of deliverance :) Am at last done with the dreadful write-up. Fudging up stuff which I'd not thought of noting down earlier (e.g. lab reports/ECG notes/etc) and totally regretting not starting sooner, as usual. Why oh why oh why does one procrastinate? If only I knew!! And then I'd be able to adequately treat the underlying pathology and identify risk factors and likelihood of recurrence and weed the darn thing out for good, or at least, drown it out with drugs.

Am always amazed at what a whingey bastard I sometimes am. Honestly. Especially when everything turns out most nicely and people are so so good after all. I love humanity, I do. Even when I call them all things nasty and refuse to see anything but the bad. But but but. They're all wonderful, after all :) Thank you for lunch, and for the hug, and for promising to meet up again. I've missed you too, and you aren't negligible, after all, and so neither am I.

dandelion

It's been raining crazily the past week. Makes driving on expressways even more unpleasant than usual, and am always wondering if a major accident's just round the next bend. Well, it's back to being nice and sunny, plus heavy downpour the past coupla days means humidity's taken a raincheck and so it's quite perfect.

Right now, I wish I were on indefinite hiatus, and driving miles and miles this perfect saturday with absolutely nothing in my head save pleasant thoughts. No mulling over stupid things that came out of my mouth, no wondering about a thousand possibilities, no worrying about write-ups and tutorials, no stupid boys and girls, no daisies, nothing nothing nothing bad.