money matters

I can't afford you.

Everything comes at a price. And as with all things, this most definitely applies to a relationship. How often have we forfeited neccesities in order to make off with an Object we can't quite afford but simply can't do without?

Some people, while delightfully low-maintenance, aren't quite what one had in mind. While PC is almost quite quite perfect, and of course, as with all things in my screwed up completely ruled by Murphy's Law life, costs too too much.

How?

saxitoxin

Do you think it's possible to be depressed and not realize that you are?

One thing to NOT be depressed about -- CGH ortho is turning out to be pretty good, though it's early days yet. And orthopaedics is interesting, though a very male-dominated field. It's a boy subject, sorta like physics (sorry Joy!).

Finally bought my textbooks today. They're easy to read with lots of (sometimes really gross) pictures. Off to mug. Can't believe pharmaco CA's in a month's time.

I think disappointment is one of the worst feelings in the world, if not the worst. Actually, envy and grief are pretty high on the list too. They all suck.

hoi sum, mm hoi sum

Boo. I have now got an eye infection. Must be Somebody telling me to lay off the eye candy for awhile.

I've finished Prison Break! No surprise there. Also, Grey's Anatomy 2, House 2, plus a whole stackful of random DVDs. Yay Hong Kong! Have watched the Departed and now know why Jack Nicholson is still so hot with the ladies young and old, hahaha (I'm sick -- but you knew that already didn't you).

School kicked off with a yawn yesterday -- 8 hours worth of orthopaedic lectures. In case you were wondering, Ortho-paedics literally translated from Greek means "Straight Child". I know, like what the...? I think 4 hours are more than I can take. 8 is just disgusting. But they were useful lectures, so it's bad of me to think that way. But I can't help it. The seats weren't cushioned! Oh but we were in airconditioned comfort... Aiyah. I'm done being good and Catholic la.

Over the weekend, I met the adorablest baby ever :) He was only 12 months old, but was such a chubby giant with solid salamis for limbs I think if I ever had a baby I'd petition God for something like that. Plus he was really cute (as in hot) so that's like a double plus point. I suppose I am getting a little less hostile when it comes to kids -- but that doesn't make me any more maternal okay.

It's Hari Raya today. Nice break. Before we have our 8hour lecture marathon again. Then it's back to CGH thursday onwards. Sigh.

this is the life! (so I'm exaggerating a little... bite me)

Have been holed up in my tiny little room for the past 8 hours watching the first third of Prison Break.

Wentworth Miller is impossibly sexxxy.

Okay relax -- I ain't gonna gush like a groupie. Am too cool for that, aye.

So. That aside, Prison Break in itself is pretty intriguing and definitely exciting. It's super testerone-driven and the prison politics is pretty gritty but I don't know how realistic all that is. Plus the conspiracy theories and multiple murders are all pretty good stuff. Albeit a little trying at times. But honestly who cares -- I'm just out for some escapism here. And so much the better if there's one helluva sexy leading man headlining the show.

I can't believe he went to Princeton, on top of everything else. Why do men like that exist?? To torment ordinary women who know there's not a chance in hell they'll ever get their hands on them? Hahaha no harm daydreaming though : ) Sure is a great way to spend the morning.

bones

I'm glad my heart still aches. I'm glad I still feel things so keenly. And hold on to the past even though I say I won't/don't/shouldn't.

I love you, and I'm sorry I didn't/don't try hard enough to keep in touch. If I wrote this in an email, it'd be too intimate and too direct and I'm not sure I'm ready to or if it'd simply be too much. But dearest, I know you read this. So you know when I say my heart aches when you tell me you're so tired you catch a brief shuteye only to miss the presentation you've been preparing for, I'm reaching out to you. It hurts to know that you're travelling around and working so hard and thrown into the deep end so soon, while all I have, all I'm living in is a pretend grown-up world that that I'm not really a part of yet, and am still protected by school.

But you know, you're always the best. The brightest, the most attractive and certainly the most brilliant. You're wonderful and if you can't make it all the way, no one else can. And sometimes, we all need to do what we have to do for a while, just so we find out who we really are and have no regrets. Even if it means sacrificing somethings dear.

Will email soon, hang on a sec -- am still grappling with the lots of things I want to say :)

15April06

This was dad's 46th birthday... My wonderful, happy, almost-perfect family.

08April06

Way overdue, but better late then never! I love being 21 :) Just for the record.

my birthday tower and me (coral, calf-lengthed, and so so happy)

haha that's a little chocolate eclair ball with my name on it, plus my best friend

a very special tablelovely girlfriends from medschool! manny, caro and lynn

darlingest den (den dear, you're my oldest friend!)

tip me over

I love going for afternoon tea.

If I could have only one meal a day, I’d choose tea. I love afternoons best because they’re in-between. Mornings are busy, and evenings are scary and night times are lonely. But afternoons are perfect – when one actually gets to enjoy tea time, it really equals a timeout, as opposed to a hurried wolfing down of whatever greasy luncheon one manages to catch at the end of the shortest queue in a lunch crowd, or an extended dinner with colleagues that gets simply tiresome or quickie dinner with more work to look forward to at night. Because you only get to have teatime when you have time to spare. And there aren't hoards of people around to disturb the peace, but just enough bodies around so that it isn't lonesome.

I used to love evenings best before work came and stole that pleasure. Perhaps when I’m not working and having a really nice long break, I’d look forward to evenings again : ) they have the nicest smell and I love the birdsong.

red red shine*

Yay. I know it's a break we're having when I look at my gorgeously manicured bloodred nails and the only thought I have in my head now is that I really shouldn't be typing because I could chip them. And there's nothing but the prospect of 7 days of rest, and shopping and lunches and dinners and catching up and oh bliss!

The end-of-posting test went alright, quite good, because the patients I wound up with were not atypical (apart from the fact that I had to do a neuro test for BOTH upper and lower limb for ONE short case and all in 7 mins!!! had a goitre for the second and CCF for long case) and the tester was quite intimidating but smiled abit so that made it all better. He didn't look at me at all while I presented though... which in a way was good because I don't maintain eye contact well either, but was sorta unnerving because it looked like he was disinterested. But he wasn't -- because he asked very intelligent questions that made me see things in new perspective so I kinda wished I had him for a tutor. The really not-good thing about Changi really is the lack of teaching there. And guess what? I've been posted there for another four weeks for orthopaedics. Which goes to show, one really shouldn't complain about things because they always come back to bite you in the ass. More mileage, more early mornings, but I really can't wait to start school one this break ends : ) because I looove hospitals, and breaks are good but I really love being in the thick of action (even though the action isn't so hot at Changi).

This break we're having isn't even a real holiday -- it's only a week long. But it's enough. Just enough to recharge and BREATHE. I love these little bits of time we have off work. Because they're really shiok, and not so long that they become boring and pointless. I'm so happy : )

I've realized something these past few weeks. People always say it's the thought that counts. And I've realized what utter bullshit that is. I've always thought of people and wanted to do things for people I care about but I never do. And then they go away without knowing how much I cared about them and then I get all sad and mopey and wonder why I didn't act on my intentions and show them how much they were/are loved. So my new thing's to just do it. Do what I intend to and not let it stop at just thoughts. I mean if you really cared about someone, would you leave it at that? Just a feeling with no ... action to show for it? That's just plain lazy. Or insincere. So I've scolded me : )

Took pawpaw out today. We explored Vivocity (my 4th trip in the past 3 days since the Test ended) -- the latest mall in spore and it's the biggest one too. I think it's probably 4 times the size of Taka and impossible to finish. It's located next to Sentosa so it's really out of the way, but we've been going because parking's free now so it's good to just go and spend the day there getting lost. Pawpaw didn't like the place (she's tired of shops I think!) but she really liked that the Crystal Jade there had such a gorgeous view of Sentosa, and that it was full of people and quite happening. She's gotten over her cough and wheeze and is looking so much better, I'm most pleased. I love it when she takes her old albums out and shows me her pictures from the 30s and 50s. I love how everything was so stylish and proper back in the 50s, and how beautifully turned out everybody was. My grandma's so gorgeous!

Happy happy days :) Now if only this achooing would go away...

*my favorite OPI nailpolish heehee

random madness

I hate Men. Because I lurrve them to a vice.

It's that time of the month again -- pre-test, and stressed and well, I'll grasp at anything that'll provide me some modicum of relief. It really is too bad then that there really isn't anything/one in the Indonesion-haze-filled horizon. Rather, that's a good thing. God's idea of birth control.

And yes. 3 entries in the last 20 minutes. Told you so -- I really AM stressed.

hweeeeeee

Wah lao. The haze is just nasty.

Am wheezing like a 90yearold chain smoker. And am out of Seretide!! You can't see beyond 100m here, whichever part of the island you're on.

You guys can come listen to my beautiful ronchi -- if this continues it'll be a bloody symphony.

submission

Sometimes, I make believe people are machines. Well, not make believe per se, I actually imagine us as machines. We get sent to different places and are made differently -- of course some get better circumstances and some are better models of the human species. But ultimately, we all have to make our way through this life. And we go places and see things and are happy and sad, and when we're old, we start shutting down. Then we get switched off permenantly and perhaps we leave our earthly bodies and find our way to someplace else. There has to be someplace else, if not someplace better, but sometimes my heart tells me that we make believe that too to make going away forever less painful.

We are shaped by our circumstances. We are shaped by the era we were born into. We are shaped our love and our hate. We don't realize it but we don't own ourselves.

escapism

Everything happens for a reason. I totally believe that.

For example. If I hadn't crashed my car in January, I would never have met Uncle Yew Boo and Ah Beng. And if I'd never met them, I'd never have found a trusty place to get all my nicks and scratches (not all of my own doing okay -- there are really vindictive people around) fixed, and pronto too! (i.e. before dad spots 'em).

So anyway, it's been a week of the c4s and I can simply say -- STRESS!! It was totally what I was referring to the last time -- about that awful weight of responsibility that almost, but not quite, stifles all the good and exciting feelings. All the same, stress and all, it's been seriously orgasmic. Everything around moves into a different time zone, everything's in slow motion, and I just float along, weaving my way between them, swimming along the expressway and totally not feeling the speed, save for the discreet roar in the rear. It's absolutely marvellously weightless. Floating. Definitely. With a little pressure from my pinky toe, we go from 50 to 100++ before reality and the TP threat kick in. Booobooo. What I'd give to swim along the autobahn...

But I shan't be getting used to that lovely feeling. It's simply too stressful. And how uncool is it anyway, having to break a sweat every time one leaves it in a public space, wondering if a new scar'll make its way onto the flanks. So thanks pop! But no. When I get one of my own, then that'll really something :) Haha and as Ah Beng says, "Wah! Kai zhe liang che, bie ren hui yi wei ni dang le ren jia de er nai!"

Need to focus. Work!! Work :( Worrrrkkkk...

ticking

There is a HUGE difference between having something that's yours and using something that's really cool, but somebody else's. I guess what I'm trying to express, albeit most ineloquently, is the privilege of autonomy. The freedom to do what you will, when you will and as you will. Plus the awesome feeling of ownership.

Anyway, it's been a hellish crazy temper-ridden week. I'd like to attribute all the rattynattiness to stress, but that's just a really lousy excuse. I guess I'm just not a nice person at the heart of it all. I have no patience for stupidity, am not magnanimous enough to overlook the little bits of shit, and hate to admit to being wrong, even though no one beats me up harder for it than I do at the end of it all.

Sometimes, being alone is a good thing. But right now, it just sucks. I wish I had you to whine to. You to spend time out of school with. Come back soon : (