conviction

I make so much sense, in retrospect.

Which is why I absolutely need to invest in a decent journal. A vintage bound, gorgeous compact journal with a lock. Because random thoughts keep popping into my head and they make sense when they do and don't when I try and fish 'em out from the abyss that is my mind. And the random maudlin bits that bubble up occassionally from my tormented soul : )

I need a book to write things in. Because apart from having something smashing to read, I'll need it to show ME that I wasn't that dumb after all. That I'd only acted against my better judgement, that I did know better and was only impulsive. I'm better than this.

I could jump to step 6 just on the basis of what I've read in my journal. It has improved my spirits greatly. But I shall go through all 12 steps, step by step. Because I shall follow my better judgement.

bags are harder

Juggling two bags is such a hassle.

I have a big brown tote and a big black tote to be used on schooldays and of course, I have two to match what I'm wearing for the day. Needless to say, when one is rushing to get ready in 15mins flat (including a bath), packing one's bag without missing anything becomes impossible.

I left my entire clinical kit (i.e. all the equipment we use to do physical exams on patients) and freshly pressed labcoat in my brown bag when I picked the black one to go. And I opted to not wear my Watch because being brown-strapped, it was not going to go with the outfit. And it was a day I desperately needed to make a good impression because it was the first time I was going to meet my mentor at orthopaedics in S GH. Who would ultimately be grading my work performance. And for whom I wore my kickass new workdress anyway.

Needless to say, he was less than impressed with my rumpled back-up labcoat, complete lack of equipment and lack of a basic watch with which to take a pulse rate. And probably thinks I'm irresponsible and dumb.

Well, I'm neither. Just vain.

And I can't even read up extra to impress him or anything because there just isn't time when a major pharmacology CA looms in the near future. The near future being Tuesday. Damn.

Completely irrelevant, but necessary in my 12-step Zsa Zsa program to Get Over Him.

"We were both in love with him. I fell out of love with him, but he didn't."

postergirl

"I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?"

Wish I'd said that first. Am now the postergirl for bitchslapped-ostrich-with-head-in-sand. As opposed to glamourpuss lounging round in Chanel and peddling pearls and In Love.

Wallow, wallow. But I will get over this, because all girls do. And Zsa Zsa did 9 times.

Ideas don't love, and all I ever held were Ideas. The Idea of The One, The Idea of What It Would Be Like. With no one to hold me and make them ideas come alive. An apparition that led me through a maze and left me in the heart of a mess of knarly vines. Ideas Don't Love. I Don't Love. We Don't Love.

Oh it hurts.

shameless showreel ahead

just so you know I now have bangs : ) which wasn't at all a difficult decision to make..

the Big Bang..

fairy godmother

Every boy looks up to the Godfather.

Every girl needs Zsa Zsa Gabor, some point in her life.

During this most trying time, I shall live one Zsa Zsa quote a day, and embrace my inner serial monogamist.

"Macho does not prove mucho."

peaces

I'd forgotten how much I loved my iPod. Or the old Jay Chou stuff, plus a bunch of other songs and 'ommmmm' music. The kind that get you in the Zone. Specifically, the Heckitalljustmug Zone.

New theory -- being grateful for the many small things, being happier.

Great things today. KKH for paediatric orthopaedics which was quite ... insightful. Don't you just hate the word -- "insightful". Bloody PC and completely blah. But it was. Objectively speaking, I didn't find it particularly interesting (it is ortho after all), but in view of the bigger picture, it was probably useful knowledge to acquire. Prof LKS was there, and as usual, a wonderful teacher. Which made the hours and hours of standing around in the Clinic bearable : )

Went back to the library to settle down and get started. It's been a Long Time. Am rather excited actually, the stress aside, it inspires massive loads of adrenaline to pump its way into my system and everything is just tighter, faster, sharper, chopchopCHOP.

Still wading through the wreakage, and music and mugging and school are helping.

meet mrs knightley

And so. I am hidden away : ) Rather cleverly too.

A little more privacy, a little more space to rant. Dear friends, I apologize in advance for the whingeing. I am going to whinge a whole lot more these few weeks. Been a rough patch.

All my love.

A tiny aside -- Mr Knightley from Emma is right now my favorite romantic hero. He always makes sense, is the older man and perfect gentleman, and never suffers fools, only kindly.

I am recovering.

where we don't need prada

We now have a cat. Which we're probably going to lose soon because she Roams. She's always looking for ways out of her confinement in mum's dressing room, like a little houdini.

She loves dark corners and mews most beautifully. She looks like a little tiger, ginger orange with stripes of black all over and the most adorable black and white paws.

They've christianed her "Miu Miu".

Must've been inspired by all those Apple Cheungs and Prada Leungs and Gucci Wongs in Hong Kong.

It is so beyond tacky.

sawadee

I am such a lousy Singaporean.

A friend from Thailand, now here for a 2 month internship, and I did some catching up today. And I had absolutely no idea where to take her, apart from shopping and pubs. Which she wasn't all that into in the first place because she's one of those wonderful, eco-conscious animal loving types.

You guessed it -- she wanted to go to the Zoo. Plus the Night Safari. Which obviously I couldn't take her to because I had no idea how on earth to get there, or how to get my hands on visitor passes, and absolutely no time... Well. Next time. Will definitely be there before year's end. First time in years.

Thank GOD she's not a bikini beach bum.

So we traipsed round town this precious Sunday after a massive lunch at the Ritz with the rents (where I bumped into Dr TLS plus uber hot lum-may-yee lookalike girlfriend/wife -- life is totally unfair), figured our way from town to campus by public transport (which took two hours) and then drove over to holland v for tea and back to town for more shopping and lastly a sip at Acid Bar (which is my new favorite place).

And now I'm back and a little red. With absolutely no pharm done.

I hate being human.

out of reach

I am taking a mental hike to the ruins of Babylon.

Where I shall meditate in complete and utter peace. All alone. A nun in retreat.

I shall lay down my worldly troubles. Plug all emotional trenches with spiritual band aid. And gaping intellectual holes with slavish toil.

I shall need nobody. I need nobody. I need nobody.

not you, please

Sometimes you can’t realize how good something really is until it’s gone and left you.

Those extra study days before a test.
Somebody’s company.
SATC.
Metabolism.
Youth and naivete.
Focus.
A car of your own, before it crashed.
Trust.
Your ability to love unconditionally.

And worst of all, some things just can’t be found. Ever again. And with stupid things like days before a test -- I KNOW how important they are but I never stop wishing the day before the test that I'd had another two days just to finish everything up properly. And with people. Where do I even begin?

miscommunication

If there were a class I’d definitely need to sign up for, it’d be Communication. Rather, the art of making oneself understood, without room for misinterpretation.

Perhaps it’s not just the communicating that needs work. It probably runs deeper than that seeing as how my personality is such that I always jump the gun and utter nonsense before processing things clearly. I do that when I get high-strung. Which is the state I’m in, mostly.

With friends and teachers, relationships and classes, I’m always finding myself in a right mess.

But then, there’re times when everything makes so much sense (honestly!) in my head, but when I verbalize these mental profundities, they always come out gibberish. The Art of Communication and Eloquence. Right.

I’m not that dumb. Really. I just need a little help.

Yeah. And it’s that time again – 3 entries in a night. I am mugging my arse off (relatively speaking).

"throw rocks at 'em!"

You know I'd hardly blame men for being clueless about what women want, simply because women have no clue themselves. Most of the time, anyway.

We're fickle, we try all means to avoid saying what we mean, we chuck aside perfectly decent men thanks to our infamous 'gut feelings', we're self-obsessed, we bitch, and most of all, it's impossible to keep us happy. It's tough enough making us happy, but to keep us that way? Fergeddaboutit.

Want someone nice? YES PLEASE. And then we'll complain they're suckers who don't have enough gumption to stand up to all our nonsense. A bad boy? Too callous. A studious intellectual? Too boring. A romantic? Eww! Mush! A chauvinist? Wake up and smell the 21st century. An older man? Impossible to deal with. A young one? Down with babysitting!!

And they were all once flavors of the month. Given the cyclical pattern of our madness, of course they'll feature once more. And again and again. With the same old whingeing.

It's like being Cinderella at the ball. Only now Cinderella's the one stuck with having to find Prince Charming in a crush of humdrum men.

See? It's really not you, boys. It's us.

public transport

It's been such a long time since.

Car crashed in a pile-up on Saturday. The SUV in front of me crashed into the sedan in front of him, and as he'd crashed without prior warning or even braking, I couldn't stop in time and crashed into him. It all happened so quickly most of the details have made their way out of my head. So perhaps I was tailgating or speeding too. But I do remember the feeling of inevitability that left me totally shaken. And an unadulterated sense of despair at having absolutely no idea what to do.

It was too painful to talk about so I'd left it till now, with the insurance claims and IDAC reports all submitted, and repairs pending, eventually even this'll come to pass. The engine miraculously escaped unscathed, though they had to change most of the front. Will know only when the final report comes out.

Meantime, a bit of sunshine today : ) Mini people are lending me a gorgeous showcar to drive around in till the repairs are done, given the extended period of time it'll take. They're so wonderful : ) And so are my many friends who've been so comforting and obliging and kind. I am so grateful.

red/green/amber... RED

Faulty wiring. My faulty wiring of course. My brain is just incorrigible. It never fails to respond to stimuli that don't deserve a response. And a perfectly good stimulus is often met with comatose indifference instead. I drive when it's red and stop when it's green and it's a miracle I'm still alive.

So. Tomorrow I am getting smashed and going to attain a zen-like euphoria that'll leave me babbling with joy : ) Babble Babble Babble.

the chokey

Trrhrr.

Silly presentation research? Check.

Nasty orthopaedic midterm MCQ test? Check.

Nastier orthopaedic OSCEs? Check.

Now that leaves... TWO LOUSY WRITE-UPS DUE MIDNIGHT TOMORROW... bleurgh.

I always go int0 an OSCE wondering how on earth I'm gonna come out alive. For the uninitiated, the OSCEs are a torture device the Faculty Trunchbulls wield to whip us poor maggots into shape. They're a series of pictures that come up one after the other, and (really tough) questions are set based on those pictures (of never-before-seen totally un-muggable med conditions), and we're given a grande total of... !!3!! minutes to do each picture. Imagine the stress.

"Oh. My. God. The hell????? Shitttt.... AHHHH!! The NEXT one already??" "Okay... I see... a fracture!! Oh! Could be infection or osteoarthritis or... TB?? Oh. My... SHIT! AHHH Now what's this???"

(scribble scribble, pray, scribble some more, cuss, pray, cancel many sentences, scribble). Talk about a massive cardio workout.

Why am I not Matilda???

i know more of the stars and sea...

It was achingly close.

Why do you do this to me? Why do I let you?

And you don't even have a clue.

Hahahahaha so much for maudlin madness huh.

Test on thursday (tough one too), two lousy write-ups due this week, plus a lousy presentation by thursday. I am SO screwed.

.... than I do what's in your head.

holly golightly

Happy 21st den!!! Happy 23rd sham!!!

High/drunk. Okay not that drunk :) But definitely high. A happy high :) First time in the longest time. Silly me. Finally decided to down a coupla shots at 130am. Which meant I couldn't drive home. Boo. Thank goodness for reliable friends!

Haven't had so much fun in a longgg time. And that was even before those nasty vodka vanilla shots. Win lose or draw and charades -- my favorite party games!! And lots and lots of happy people and nice people and Joy who was back in town for the weekend :) And friends whom I haven't spent time with in ages and oh it was absolutely marvellous. A perfect cosy wonderful wonderful houseparty :)

Happy.

Bloody CAs next week. Haven't hit the books yet boo. Write-ups too. Shite. And that hollow empty deflated balloon feeling that hits you in the gut the day after.

sunflower seeds

The rain was completely awful today. Down Dunearn Road it stormed and flooded and it was a miracle there wasn't a massive jam thanks to some accident or other. Couldn't see the car in front of me. And still, there were a few foolhardly idiots who'd left their headlights off. After that 10 minute stretch of road, everywhere else was sunny. Odd wasn't it. And I scratched my windscreen (I think, haven't checked) because I left the windscreen wipers on full blast as I charged down to pawpaw's house.

Seems to me a large portion of whatever I churn out mentions driving in one way or other. Possibly because my life isn't my own most of the time, and I only get me-time in the car and when I'm out of it I'm either brainfried, braindead or asleep. Plus being pathologically lazy means sleeping in instead of painting the town red in search of some marvellous luvver or other.

Since November began, I think I've spent a considerable amount of time feeling pissy (so I went and cut my bangs -- see picture below), and a vast amount of pocket money on way too many essential trifles. My favorite purchase this month will have to be my spanking new pumice foot scrub :) I swear I never knew how much dead icky disgusting flaky skin I had on my feet. Eww. Thanks to orthopaedics, I've been paying much more attention to my bones and have realised that on top of hallux valgus and flattish feet, I have callouses aplenty and bunionettes too. And possibly, hyperextensible joints and a mal-union of my toe fracture. Booboo. I am deformed.

Plus, there was playhouse, the annual medfac showcase of plays, which was super fun. I played a grossly pregnant mermaid (the most unglam role la) in a play entitled "Pirates of the South China Sea"!! A swashbuckling adventure and comical take on the medical profession with lots of gorgeous mermaids (minus me), filthy sexxxy pirates, a fearsome sea cow and her hilarious giant squidlike Creature. The ignominy of going through labor onstage! If I didn't love manny so much I swear I'd have sooner traded in my womb than go through the shame!

the pirates!

hotmamawiththebigbajengjengs!! (the pirateship masthead) with el on the left and manny on the right!

getting ready. am not pregnant. really. am not THAT fat either!

onstage -- the sexxy Baracuda (mermaid queen) with mermaids attacking pirates!

The Udders, aka scary sea cow (who of course, doesn't look at all like a cow!) ahahahahahah -- SCARY MONSTER!!

All pictures shamelessly filched off manny's hilarious blog!!