a lightness of being

I think this is something dangerous to be blogging/putting out there, because words so often return to bite us in the arse.

Just the same, I would like to state that never in my life have I ever felt so at peace being single.

I can see why being chronically single is a state that perpetuates its own being, because once one is accustomed to doing everything on one's own and at one's own leisure, it becomes increasingly difficult to see how someone else would fit into the grander scheme of things.

There must have been some point or other (perhaps back when I was 20 and confused) where I wondered if I was deficient in any way/shape/form, and took to wondering when Mr Right (for that matter I was willing to settle for Mr Right Now) would come.

That has simply been replaced with the thought (and currently, conviction) that I am simply more than sufficiently equipped to handle my own life - surefootedly and independently. And more than that, happily. The companionship and family of my own that I once craved may not be necessary, nay, what I want, anymore. Though I would probably have to retract that if a salvo from one Mr Connery came along :)

I am the last of the holdouts indeed – as I can say ALL my girlfriends are/until recently have been in a relationship. I write this as I start work, as I can tell you – for the next couple months or so my every waking moment will be devoted to being on edge, wondering about the patients I need to keep Safe!

dipping

I know I try never to be morose or whatever on this blog. Simply because it's depressing enough to think depressing thoughts, much less SEE them onscreen.

How quickly that lovely warm fuzzy feeling has passed since we learnt we cleared the MBBS. Now it's a different game altogether -- and never have I ever felt so acutely that being a Doctor is so far removed from being a MedStudent.

I resolve to:

1) Always make time for my patients and remember them by name.

2) Strive to address their family's concerns, and keep them updated at the very least.

3) Not panic despite the massive workload that is Vascular GS Team 1.

4) Continue being OCD and never take anything for granted (not even GXMs!)

5) Not be shy to ask for help when needed, especially on call (this one really isn't easy).

6) Minimize grouses/complaints about anything unless completely justified.

7) Text mum and dad at least a few times a week.

8) Learn at least one thing new every week (everyday would be far too ideal :P)

And in recollection of everything I've learnt from SIP (dated Sept '08):

scales have fallen
1. Find out everything you're supposed to do and DO IT. Don't do any less. Do more if thus inclined for your patients' sake but don't do somebody else's job for them because if you screw up, you're screwed. If you decide to do so anyway, don't expect any appreciation whatsoever. Whatsoever. Never ever leave someone else to cover your ass. You'll be sodomised.
2. The gossip mills are unavoidable. Keep your trap shut and remember that when you leave the room, you're probably gonna be gossiped about too so don't mix and mingle, don't give your dollar's worth and don't give them anything to talk about. Because they'll find plenty to talk about anyway without your help. But it gives you a modicum of comfort knowing it's all unsubstantiated and untrue bullshit anyway.
3. Judgement and preconceived notions are a sad fact of this life, but don't let that get in the way of your working relationships. Remember -- innocent until proven guilty thrice. Even then, try not to attack someone's character just going by the quality of their work. Just know who you can work with and who you can't; not who's "shitty" and who's not. It's not personal, it's business.
4. Leave the working shit at work. Find friends and loves outside of that crazy microcosm. Don't do anything stupid you'll live to regret. Grin and bear it and always remember if your patients are safe and well, you've done your job. Anything else is unwarranted, unnecessary and uncalled for.

Now, to suck it up and get on with life! :)

springcleaning

I still miss my daddy!

Hungover from Taipei, I spent most of today missing the people and places and food and things, and decided to get over it by unpacking my suitcase and sorting out my bedroom. It was pure madness. Suffice to say, I've taken to photologging my clothes in an attempt to prevent wastage. My mum always says I look like I've never changed my clothes, and my dad hates my drop-crotch pants and billowy tops. Both my parents have a really good eye though - my mum's usually quite spot on about stuff I like, and my dad's picks are pretty darn awesome too. It's quite interesting to see a "woman vs man" take on what's fashionable/sexy. Billowy tops, bohemian maxidresses, drop-crotches and chunky jewelry from mum, while fitted Chanel-esque dresses and slimcut satin trousers with edgey cuffed blazer are dad's gifts. Very different, and I have to say I love both extremes. I think I'm probably better off wearing clothes than shopping for them! My own picks are pretty extreme too -- from layers and layers of Victorian lace and ruffles, Little Bo Beep frills and sweetness to clean cut Calvin Klein shifts and cigarette pants, from soft creams/nudes/delicate pastels to tough black-and-whites, I'm rather contrary. The one thing though I'd probably never try is Punk/Goth. Too "over" (in Taiwan-speak).

Clothing aside - I've been posted to SGH Surgery for my very first houseman posting :) I'm getting coldfeet somewhat, at the prospect of facing work and being Incompetent. Nothing can be done though, save to suck it up and face it head on. I am (again being contrary), as excited as I am nervous, as optimistic as I am pessimistic. Alas - Work, work, work!! Thank goodness the long working hours don't scare me - just the prospect of not knowing what to do come Crunch Time. It all boils down to that - one must try one's hardest to do one's best!

part (I)

Mood -- pensive. Just finished a popiah dinner at Uncle Ray's.
Sitting in the dining room overlooking the Taipei skyline as I type, with a bunch of beautiful calla lillies sitting pretty on the table, keeping me company (artificial of course, complete with faux "water"). Dad's watching some singing contest and CNN is being blasted from my room down the hall. I'm sad :(
I don't want to leave!!
Often, Singaporeans here ask me, "So, do you like Taipei?" and their faces grimace a little when I say, "Absolutely!" Seems like living here in the longterm leaves something to be desired, but what exactly, I just can't figure out yet. I've really enjoyed being here -- communication is no trouble, everything is convenient, and there's enough to see, do, shop and eat. I'm glad dad's enjoying his time here -- both working and living (though probably more of the former!), and we're sure gonna miss each other.
I've just gotten familiar with the somewhat crazy traffic system, the different districts, some city landmarks, strange-as-nippon Engrish, the local food and culture, and even bits of politics. It's a little sad to have to put things on pause, pack my bags and head home, albeit not too painful :) This has been a beautiful interlude, but work beckons, for which I'm so grateful. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Pictures to come (shamelessly filched off Esther!), and with commentary on various sights and things. But here's a list of what I've yet to do:
1. Rent a room at Partyworld! (My goodness the KTV lounges here are by the BUILDING -- it's just massive!)
2. Visit the Jade Market and Flower Markets
3. Roam the Tai-da campus
4. Travel to the outskirts and other cities
5. MEET JAY CHOU
To be continued, once I get some leave :)

"loctor loctor"/starting from scratch

Yesterday was one of those days I doubt I'll ever forget. A full circle -- from another unforgettable day when I received news of my acceptance to medical school, to the day this journey toward another beginning finally ended.

It was the day five years of hard work and stress and endless headbanging finally led to. Weekends at hospital, wee hours of the morning mugging and memorising, endless discussions with study pals, constantly pleading with tutors for more classes and "approaches", and ceaseless rash from the grossed-out tables in school.

I was on an excursion to Chang Gung Memorial Hospital's Obgyn department just when results were being released. It was quite unfortunate timing, because I could hardly concentrate having tossed and turned the night before, and with one eye on my mobile and the other on my watch, I must have seemed rather impolite!

Still, when I finally made time to check online, it was truly a pleasant surprise. I'm actually surprised I'm not quite over the moon (must've been wiped out with nervous exhaustion). Couldn't help but wonder "if only!" but then the optimistic side of me kicked in with various armageddon scenarios (you could have gotten even shittier cases!) and I think it's now a happy balance. Almost at peace :)

It took a congratulatory SMS from someone completely uninvolved with medschool to notify me of the Dean's Lunch. Had no idea what that was about At All and ignored the SMS from dean's office. It was another jolt to the system I must say and I still daren't believe it. Am rubbing my painful joints to bring me back to reality and checking my inbox again but yup! There it is!! And with so many more deserving ones, so many more talented ones, I think I simply got... Lucky.

I wasn't onsite during the collection of results, but from what I've heard it was a pretty sober affair. There were way too many failures this year... my heart goes out to my classmates who'll have to endure the prospect of another round of these horrible exams, but there's light at the end of the long tunnel and we'll all be there waiting :)

to taipei, to taipei
So after a year and a half, I've decided to change my facebook profile picture. Which isn't a big deal, but just goes to show what one does with so much spare time. While waiting for Taipei to arrive (heading there with Esther to stalk our Jay Chou mwahaha), I've tweaked a few things on fb I'd been meaning to for ages. I rarely have any pictures to put up, but seeing as how I'm on a roll, thought I'd stick up a few of my new favorites (from my 24th birthday) up here too. B Koh I miss you so much! Thank goodness Daddy'll be with me soon :)

Rather pained, after so much food!

Darling,

I love you, but this isn't going to work out.

I thought we'd be perfect for each other. I took one look at you, and knew I had to have you. When first we met, it was surreal - I never thought I'd see you in the flesh. You were even hotter than I'd envisioned. Big and bold - you were everything I needed to make a statement. We did so many good things together onstage, behind the wheel, down the street, nights out in town...

But today's the day I put you away for good. You made me blister, bleed and cry out in anguish. My bones ache at just the thought of putting you on again.

I hope never to own another such as yourself, another that will stare me in the eye and make my heart go aflutter despite feet that scream for deliverance. Hallux Valgus has done us in beloved.

May you find much joy with another.

Louboutin Red Slingbacks, Sz 39 $145, worn gently

as promised

And I'm back!

Breathing again :) More than that actually -- since MBBS (aka "mouth big brain small" aka "I really don't think I'll be able to do that all over again" aka "the toughest most challenging thing I've done to date" aka "THANK GOD IT'S O-V-E-R") ended on March 30, I've done almost everything I'd wanted to do -- mainly: SLEEP AND SLEEP AND SLEEP AND SLEEPING till one can't tell day from night, and night from day, meet with loved ones, squeeze in bits of personal grooming (way overdue I might add!), and of course, the requisite TV drama(s) and trashy novel. Plus MAJOR SHOPPING. My wardrobe though, never feels as though it's updated. Guess it takes time to phase out bits of stuff I never want to see again.

Yup, and I've turned 24 :) Really doesn't feel any different though. Think somewhere between 21 and 24, I sort of grew up (which means I could probably survive on my own -- if washing machine and disposable dishes came along too).

Just a brief update, more when I collect scattered bits of my fractured brain!