handbags & gladrags?

2009-08-15T11:05:00.002+07:00

day three!

Leave has finally arrived, and it was awesome the first day and then the next. And now it's the third day and I'm thinking I couldn't possibly get used to being able to get up at any time, do almost anything and then have time to meet my obligations. It's just too ... good. And soon it'll get boring. I was just telling somebody that it's impossible to be a taitai because life's only shiok when there are times it hurts so bad that when it stops, the relief is just indescribable. I.e. no good times without the tough times.

So, as mentioned, I've planned leave around Joy's wedding :) hen party tonight (it's quite a convoluted program but I'm sure it'll be awesome, just cos we're all gonna be there!), plus wedding on saturday and my lovely tokyo getaway with mum in between!

Meeting one of my favorite people in the world has made me realise the beauty of happenstance. And as years go by and friends become the same few wonderful ones, has made me appreciate the theory of natural selection.

A person's love isn't limitless, and one can only truly love so few. This one anyway. The few I love are well-loved, and there isn't a feeling better in the world than being beloved by your beloveds :)

2009-07-26T22:58:00.002+07:00

proposal #1

This was so bizarre I'd practically parked it out of my mind until a friendly fb reply reminded me all about it.

I was proposed to by one of my Arab patient's sons on Saturday. It was way too strange. I had a really strange text from him (why my colleague and I gave him our mobile numbers is a story for another day) -- "Dr.Koh its Karim can i c u 4 5mins". Of course I didn't reply, but unfortunately, I had to head to that ward shortly after to settle a patient with biliary colic.

Suffice to say, I was accosted with a "Let's have meal. Sunday. 1 hour". No thank, you. Blahblahblah "I'm looking for wife, yes. I'm single now. You a good girl. Come, have dinner with me. Please. 1hr." No, I have boyfriend. "But Suraya says you don't. Remember?" No, I'm not getting married like Suraya, but I have boyfriend. "But ..." And I'm getting married next year. "Please - please. But we can still have dinner yes?" Can I bring my mother?

And he left me alone after that hahaha. Mum -- you scare big Arab men even without having to see them!

I swear. If I weren't wearing my big-ass Drager N95 mask he would've seen my jaw drop. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry! But I do know this -- NO PATIENT is ever getting my mobile number, even if it means having to go through a circuitous route to get to me to attend to something my boss feels is of utmost importance. NOT EVER.

2009-07-26T22:42:00.002+07:00

saturday passive

Saturday calls are, in general, exhausting. It basically means that your entire weekend's burnt. Having said that, perhaps active calls aren't so bad -- because whether you're on active on Monday or Saturday, you're still on call all day. Weekdays and weekend passives on the other hand, are very different. Weekday passive work starts after 5pm, while weekend ones start from 8am.

Having said that, I had a really good passive Saturday call this week. Mostly because it wasn't too busy, and definitely because the "night crew" was awesome. From my MO to the nurses, they were fabulous. Among my favorites :) And I actually got to use my brains a little bit more than I'm used to nowadays, which was somewhat pleasing. AND I didn't get fried by the infamous Mr Pringle despite having to manage a few of his patients. Great stuff.

I spent all of today sleeping till evening, when Mum and I headed to Ion to check things out. I like it very much - it's a whole new mall to say the least. But I have to say, my favorite mall probably remains Paragon. Though to be fair, we parked ourselves at Topshop for the most of the time we were in Ion. Hadn't gone there in at least 6months, but having heard that their current season is among the best they've ever produced, I decided to check things out. Loved it to bits. One very fabulous Lady Gaga-esque black caged poufe top (to be worn with latex leggings). And several lovely dresses that I fully intend to bring with me to Tokyo.

Ah Tokyo - can't wait for August to come. I'll be on leave from 13th - 23rd, which is perfectly in sync with Joy's wedding. Am almost there!

2009-07-15T01:51:00.002+07:00

what we worked for

Final posting results are out, and it was with trepidation that I looked... Wasn't sure what I was expecting (obviously not shite postings) but getting everything I wanted and in the exact order I wanted it, too was just ... Awesome.

SGH surgery, SGH Medicine, KKH O&G

Thank you so very, very much :)

2009-07-12T10:39:00.002+07:00

when?

Greece, Spain, South Africa, Rome, Tokyo, NYC

"Fuck You" (by Lily Allen)

Picnics, a sterile pond and 50s bathing suit

Spinning!

2009-07-05T09:17:00.002+07:00

laugh and play

One thing I took away from the Anne of Green Gables novels was the idea of the "kindred spirit".

A kindred spirit is one that understands without needing to be told, that moves in sync with, and speaks the same language as you. He is not taught the secret means of communication that would so make you laugh, nor is he initiated to the way your mind works, but knows it viscerally, instinctively. He knows just how you’d react to anything, because it’s but an extension of how he would do things too. What kindred spirits do is probably a variation of a theme, a coordinated pattern of logic that would seem insane to non-kindreds.

We get along because we need to, but we like because we do.

And I like you!

2009-06-27T21:11:00.003+07:00

my favorite time of day

South Africa

My favorite time of day, in a favorite type of place :) With some sparkling lemonade and a good book and a (where are you??) lover...

2009-06-27T20:41:00.004+07:00

multi-tasking

Going out on Saturdays is fairly different from going out on Sundays. It's a whole lot more crowded, traffic's a lot rougher, and everyone's still in a rush (must be hungover from the workday before).

In general, I don't enjoy crowds. My idea of a great time is lying in bed and dreaming. Or listening music blasting and hitting a jamfree road. A great time is also after I've completed a whole host of niggly tasks. E.g. going for a visit to the dermatologist (the stars finally aligned and I managed to get a Saturday appointment!), picking up my graduation cap-and-gown and convocation invites (this has been bugging me for 2 weeks!), getting some pharmaceuticals, buying an assortment of presents for odd sorts, and booking dinner for Monday. Happiness! Is also a pair of lovely cuffed sandals in brown leather for a steal :)

Now to get through work on Sunday...

2009-06-21T21:35:00.002+07:00

happy father's day daddy!

Another weekend, another bunch of people.

This weekend was Father's Day. It was nice as dad came home :) I had call on Friday -- it was my very first "passive" call (which means we don't see new cases from the A&E; we do the changes for existing patients e.g. draw bloods for tests, read ECGs etc). It wasn't a bad call, as there wasn't anything particularly life-endangering that happened to the patients. Just one very whiny indian patient with a psychotic wife and sister. Gross. The MO on call was the scary distant (albeit nice) sort so I did my very best not to call and disturb him.

Thing about Friday call is that the weekend's shorter as one spends most of Saturday in bed. This Saturday was a little different though as Jean and I had set about getting her friend and our friend out on a date. House@Dempsey (so-so) for tea, and it went quite alright I think :) I've taken to thinking that when a singleton sets another singletone up with someone, it probably should be taken as a compliment. After a spot of shopping with the girls after the friendly date, I totally crashed after dinner. When I woke up, it was 1130am Sunday, and I was late for lunch, not to mention church!

Note to self -- must try not to drive home post-call. It's an accident waiting to happen. Have heard way too many stories and had way too many close calls!

Sunday was spent with family friends at Royal China (ah beng right) at the Raffles Hotel. The lifts there are totally vintage man (it takes 5mins to get from B to level 3) and they even smell like a musty bookstore. Not my favorite. The food was a little greasy, albeit with passable presentation.

Found the perfect pair of golden slippers to replace my worn out ones today. Most pleased :)

I hope I get to keep the postings I've been assigned for July and August ...

2009-06-14T18:53:00.002+07:00

"we work hard for the money"

So spend or save?? (No, one CAN'T do both. Choose!)

Anyway, I spent another few hours of Sunday at Kino again (20% discount now on folks!), and this time I picked up Jeffrey Sachs' "Common Wealth: Economics for a Crowded Planet" from which I think Obama might have filched a few ideas.

Am wondering if I've tempted fate -- will there be TIME?? No think POSITIVE. I will MAKE time to finish this extended essay of a book because it's worth it. (I like Jeffrey Sachs. And if it didn't cost so much to attend his lectures (unless you're a Columbia student of course), I would love to go. Helps that he looks a little like Arsene Wenger too.)

2009-06-13T20:51:00.002+07:00

savoring

Still getting round to the idea of having a weekend break. Didn't realise how lovely it was till I had it, and am now a little afraid to look forward to it!

Worked half of today -- rounding, discharging, etc -- and zipped off just past noon for lunch shopping with mum. When I was 15, a family friend told me that when I grew up, I would live in Calvin Klein. Suffice to say, I love all of it :) And I love discounts. Massive discounts especially. They're so unbelievable, I really wonder who'll buy things at full price! Though having said that, a lovely black dress that I wanted ran out of my size. So that's where paying full price comes in I suppose.

I went for a wedding at the Malay Heritage Centre in the afternoon today. My super-awesome workmate S invited me to her brother's wedding. I loved it! It was packed to the gills with people (easily a 1000!), togged up in colorful silks and their finest jewelry, tucking into scrumptious nasi padang (seriously some of the best sambal EVER) and listening to traditional Malay songs. Very cool. The bridal couple sat on a sedan onstage and everyone queued up to take photos with them. Had a really good time.

The heritage centre was right next to Haji Lane, which I hadn't visited in more than a year, so I popped on over. Seeing teenagers togged out in the latest Lindsay-Kate-Olsen inspired outfits made me feel really old! They're all nubile flesh and pin thin legs... and going from the Hilton to Haji Lane, I realised the real difference between taitais and teenaged fashionistas really boils down to skin and fabric. Flabby skin, fabulous fabric. And vice versa.

Dampener -- had to dash back to hospital to discharge a patient in the mid-afternoon, before heading back to town for a quickie get-together with beloved den and jean :) We're still the same!

2009-06-07T21:50:00.002+07:00

fussy

I recently was gifted a beautiful ring that only looks nice in a size 6 and only on my right fourth finger. Yes -- that specific! I tried a size 7 and on my third finger, but the look was completely different and I refused to budge though they ran out of new pieces of the 6. And the one I bought had to be polished for forever.

No wonder I'll end up an old maid!

2009-06-07T21:28:00.002+07:00

first weekend

My work partner S forbade me from working the weekend at all -- she says because she's taking next weekend off for her brother's wedding, and thereby thinks it's fair since I'll have to do next weekend (gargh!!). The prospect of having a WHOLE weekend to myself felt so strange that my control-freak-worklaholic self couldn't help but wonder at all the things that could go wrong. I was nervous and edgy in spots, but ultimately Sunday has ridden itself out to a lovely conclusion and the prospect of Monday is almost a happy one. Really can't do without work. It's impossible to relax because some strange spot in my mind is buzzing away. Thinking, thinking always thinking about what-ifs. Being highstrung is extremely unproductive and exhausting when one has nothing worthy to be highstrung about!

Suffice to say, this was a very nice weekend. I can't really remember much of Saturday except that I spent most of it off my feet (which were aching like anything), an afternoon being massaged, and managed to squeeze in a last bit of latenight book-shopping (Kino@Taka is my absolute favorite place!) and shoe-gazing.

Sunday, I spent all the afternoon with my mum :) Super spontaneous and super fun. After a full lunch (some semblance of my old appetite came back thanks to that time of month) comprising a meatball sandwich, mum grabbed me along for shopping and more shopping. We even shopped for baby clothes! It was madness on Saturday, and Sunday wasn't much better I think. It didn't feel like we were in recession at all, except people are milling about, sans shopping bags.

I have a few favorite shops that I never fail to frequent whenever I hit town, and unlike most women, I never found much inclination toward browsing. It stems from the love of convenience and instant gratification -- see, like and buy. Though with time, and with each purchase becoming an investment rather than a whim or fancy, I've learnt to pause and appreciate and put on hold. I very much picked this up through osmosis. Hanging out almost exclusively with my mother has taught me all the above, and an appreciation for the finer aspects of things. I'm afraid I can't be more specific without being too specific!!

Ooh and I finished a very nice book over the weekend :) My first full book since April! Am most pleased. Plus, a nice fuschia silk dress that weighs near nothing at all and a pair of comfortable slingbacks for work purposes. And a beautiful ring.

2009-06-06T09:27:00.004+07:00

on hypocrisy

Something very important that everyone knows but often doesn't realise is that how we present ourselves allows people to categorize us into neat little boxes that social conditioning has created in their minds. So, dress the part.

And something Singaporeans will never admit is that whomever they slam for no real reason other than ostentation, is probably whomever they wish to be.

2009-06-06T09:07:00.003+07:00

queen of no marriage

Haha this does not refer to anybody real (yet). It's this drama serial that I've sort-of been watching (CAN YOU BELIEVE I HAVE THE WEEKEND OFF?? -- breast team list exploded to 26 patients post-take and has since deflated to 4 for the weekend wheee; talk about yo-yo). I'm only into episode 2 (keep falling asleep geez) and already, I like it. Which is saying alot because Taiwanse drama serials are usually crap. Albeit, as per yo-yo, my favorite and least favorite drama serials are both Taiwanese!

Older woman, younger man. Workaholic career go-getter almost-spinster with slacker hottie. Sell-out happy ending (which I love and hate)... I think I spy a winner :) WHEN I REALLY SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING WAY MORE PRODUCTIVE. Like study for part one of something. I probably would/should -- only I don't know which something to be a part of, yet.

Definitely not general surgery. Definitely, definitely NOT. And one more definitely -- NOT BREAST.

2009-06-02T23:04:00.003+07:00

team one :)

It was hard work, but it sure as hell was wonderful to be a part of the vascular team under Mr M and Mr S, and of course, my beloved Dr H!!

This was one of the rare places which really had team spirit -- the two cons were so adorable each time they discussed patients among themselves like curious schoolboys, and I've never seen them truly lose their cool Ever. Mr M looks like Kungfu panda and is such a gentle giant, Mr S is your cheeky kid who puts whoopee cushions on the teacher's chair :) And Dr H is a woman I truly admire -- she's from Bahrain, and for the past almost-3 years has left her beloved husband and family of 13 siblings behind to pursue her ambition. She's at once vulnerable and implacable, but always collected, intelligent, and Capable. Looking at Dr H, I realise how much further I have to go, how much more I have to grow in spirit and mind and in heart. I adore her.

Never once were we chided -- Not Once. Not even when the PT/PTT tube broke en route the the lab (UNBELIEVABLE) for the first case patient who was on warfarin and INR monitoring and her op had to be delayed. Not even when the GXM tube went missing and we had to postpone the op again for a patient with gastrectomy. Not for the many times we didn't remember our patients' TW, Hb, co-morbidities etc. Not when we didn't deliver an OT chit as quickly as we should have. Not when at 8pm I had to call Mr M (!!) to see a patient's difficult daughter-in-law who wouldn't desist. Not Once. Not Ever. They embraced us, protected us, encouraged us and taught us.

This team is just an amazingly awesome place to be in for a baby HO. When Ben bluffed that because of the new H1N1 case we had to be stuck in our current rotations for another month, I yelped with joy.

God has been so kind. My great teammate S and I have since moved on to Team 2, Breast. So far, it's been alright. No explosions yet (of joy or anger or sadness or Trouble). A little less comraderie, what with 6 consultants to follow and with the team mostly in the OT. But still -- a new place to learn new things :)

SGH is such a great place to see and learn things. I am so grateful.

2009-05-24T22:32:00.003+07:00

bee

Work has been very hectic (to say the least). Hours are way better than the 6am to 9pm they were before my lovely partner came along :) She's awesome!!! A 3rd posting HO who's out of phase, she's very much like an elder sister. Very protective and all around Awesome. Sigh. It's so quick but a month is almost over, and I'll have to rotate out of Vascular Surgery soon. Will discuss more about that next weekend though, now's a little premature...

I think work is a lot about being responsible, honest and apologetic, among many other important adjectives. Pretty self-explanatory. They're easily done, but don't mean that you'll stay out of trouble. I've found it somewhat perilous the number of booby traps that await us (such is the nature of the job), and we're just not equipped with good judgement simply because experience awaits us, sometimes because we're stretched too thin, sometimes because things get lost in translation. When do we follow instructions to the T, when do we make that phone call? All of that requires judgement, common sense and EQ, all of which need time to refine. And multiple mistakes and scoldings, of course.

All around, it's been a pretty fair ride. I am exhausted, and excited all at once. Sometimes, the heart and mind are willing, but the body is not.

I work 7 days a week now, because my partner and I have realised it's not possible to do a one-man-show and still hope to leave before 1pm on the weekend. So we do it together, and end up with a pretty decent amount of the day left. I spent this weekend in bed mostly, after a meal with mum and the bro. And some of it, I spent at the shops (if only just for a change of scene). I was pleasantly surprised to find my paycheck in so quick, just in time for Dad's return next Thursday :) Haha treats all around! Shan't bore you with my random purchases, suffice to say, I believe one gets what one pays for. And I'm obsessed with heavy, smooth fabric with sheen.

It's all about the Fabric baby.

2009-05-08T18:23:00.002+07:00

it's bizarre but i can't stop laughing

Did you know that before we prepare to amputate someone's limb, we're obliged to ask if they'd like to keep the amputated body part?
It's a Muslim thing, but for equality's sake we ask everybody.
One of my fellow HOs actually woke an ah pek up at 4am (it was an emergency op) to ask him, "Uncle, you wanna keep your leg?"
"WTF YOU WAKE ME UP TO ASK ME THIS???"
"err... uncle you want to bring your leg home?"
"DO WHAT? bou tong lai yam?" (boil soup and drink)
"okok... goodnight uncle..."
(run and hide).
The funniest reply I've seen thus far is a -blank- stare, followed by a couple seconds "WHAT is this young shit mumbling on about??" and a scurried HO scribbling in the case sheets "Pt no want limb". Haha yes - Engrish and shame fly out the window when one is starved and sleepy!

2009-05-04T20:18:00.003+07:00

on being struck

"My mind is too strong for my body."

2009-05-04T19:55:00.002+07:00

this is not Grey's Anatomy!

I love my job.

Even though my feet are dead from all that walking, my ankles are swollen, and my joints all ache. My head is swiming, my heart is palpitating, my eye is blur, my brain is numb and I can almost believe 5 whole years of medical school has effectively been rendered null and void starting today. I am a "glorified clerk" and "bottom of the food chain". And to quote my friend Ken -- "I can say Day One of Surgical Internship is nothing like Episode One of Grey's Anatomy. No freaking way." Haha -- he got that right. No McDreamies either!

I am Happy!

2009-05-02T21:32:00.003+07:00

friends and family

This week was a very precious and lovely one. I met up with so many friends and my beloved grandma (pawpaw) and gave and received lots of love. We had grad dinner on Thursday, and it was a great turnout, with favorite tutors and classmates all present. Think it was a great idea to have the beer guzzling contest right up front -- that really got the party started!! (Go boys!) Amidst hilarious trashtalking onstage and all that phototaking, it was still cozy. Nice to have a big hurrah to mark the start of something new.

It isn't news now, that precautions have been put in place across all hospitals. Starting work in such a situation is ironically, a little less stressful. Our seniors are held back in their original positions, so as new houseman we're able to seek advice from them and have them by our sides as we orientate ourselves to ward work. Very very grateful, despite this sounding incredibly warped!

I met up with all my best gal pals on both Friday and Saturday and while the timing wasn't exactly perfect, it was worth the rushing around and mad parking. I love you all so much, and really thank God for each and everyone of you! What's a gal to do without gal pals??

I've just come back from dinner with pawpaw and it was such a nice catchup. Hadn't seen her since CNY because of exam prep and she'd been overseas for the past month celebrating her 80th, so it was a very sweet reunion :) I always marvel at how sprightly, sharp and stylo she is. Wish I would age as gracefully (without botox and fillers, if I can help it!).

Most of all, speaking to my Daddy on the phone all the way from Paris made me cry buckets because I miss my parents very much. And with the swine flu and all... I just wish they were home, where we're well stocked with Tamiflu and I can keep an eye on 'em!

To all whom I've met and loved and cuddled and missed, thank you :) You make life worth fighting for, you make life worth living.

2009-04-30T08:53:00.002+07:00

a lightness of being

I think this is something dangerous to be blogging/putting out there, because words so often return to bite us in the arse.

Just the same, I would like to state that never in my life have I ever felt so at peace being single.

I can see why being chronically single is a state that perpetuates its own being, because once one is accustomed to doing everything on one's own and at one's own leisure, it becomes increasingly difficult to see how someone else would fit into the grander scheme of things.

There must have been some point or other (perhaps back when I was 20 and confused) where I wondered if I was deficient in any way/shape/form, and took to wondering when Mr Right (for that matter I was willing to settle for Mr Right Now) would come.

That has simply been replaced with the thought (and currently, conviction) that I am simply more than sufficiently equipped to handle my own life - surefootedly and independently. And more than that, happily. The companionship and family of my own that I once craved may not be necessary, nay, what I want, anymore. Though I would probably have to retract that if a salvo from one Mr Connery came along :)

I am the last of the holdouts indeed – as I can say ALL my girlfriends are/until recently have been in a relationship. I write this as I start work, as I can tell you – for the next couple months or so my every waking moment will be devoted to being on edge, wondering about the patients I need to keep Safe!

2009-04-30T08:10:00.003+07:00

dipping

I know I try never to be morose or whatever on this blog. Simply because it's depressing enough to think depressing thoughts, much less SEE them onscreen.

How quickly that lovely warm fuzzy feeling has passed since we learnt we cleared the MBBS. Now it's a different game altogether -- and never have I ever felt so acutely that being a Doctor is so far removed from being a MedStudent.

I resolve to:

1) Always make time for my patients and remember them by name.

2) Strive to address their family's concerns, and keep them updated at the very least.

3) Not panic despite the massive workload that is Vascular GS Team 1.

4) Continue being OCD and never take anything for granted (not even GXMs!)

5) Not be shy to ask for help when needed, especially on call (this one really isn't easy).

6) Minimize grouses/complaints about anything unless completely justified.

7) Text mum and dad at least a few times a week.

8) Learn at least one thing new every week (everyday would be far too ideal :P)

And in recollection of everything I've learnt from SIP (dated Sept '08):

scales have fallen
1. Find out everything you're supposed to do and DO IT. Don't do any less. Do more if thus inclined for your patients' sake but don't do somebody else's job for them because if you screw up, you're screwed. If you decide to do so anyway, don't expect any appreciation whatsoever. Whatsoever. Never ever leave someone else to cover your ass. You'll be sodomised.
2. The gossip mills are unavoidable. Keep your trap shut and remember that when you leave the room, you're probably gonna be gossiped about too so don't mix and mingle, don't give your dollar's worth and don't give them anything to talk about. Because they'll find plenty to talk about anyway without your help. But it gives you a modicum of comfort knowing it's all unsubstantiated and untrue bullshit anyway.
3. Judgement and preconceived notions are a sad fact of this life, but don't let that get in the way of your working relationships. Remember -- innocent until proven guilty thrice. Even then, try not to attack someone's character just going by the quality of their work. Just know who you can work with and who you can't; not who's "shitty" and who's not. It's not personal, it's business.
4. Leave the working shit at work. Find friends and loves outside of that crazy microcosm. Don't do anything stupid you'll live to regret. Grin and bear it and always remember if your patients are safe and well, you've done your job. Anything else is unwarranted, unnecessary and uncalled for.

Now, to suck it up and get on with life! :)

2009-04-21T23:52:00.002+07:00

springcleaning

I still miss my daddy!

Hungover from Taipei, I spent most of today missing the people and places and food and things, and decided to get over it by unpacking my suitcase and sorting out my bedroom. It was pure madness. Suffice to say, I've taken to photologging my clothes in an attempt to prevent wastage. My mum always says I look like I've never changed my clothes, and my dad hates my drop-crotch pants and billowy tops. Both my parents have a really good eye though - my mum's usually quite spot on about stuff I like, and my dad's picks are pretty darn awesome too. It's quite interesting to see a "woman vs man" take on what's fashionable/sexy. Billowy tops, bohemian maxidresses, drop-crotches and chunky jewelry from mum, while fitted Chanel-esque dresses and slimcut satin trousers with edgey cuffed blazer are dad's gifts. Very different, and I have to say I love both extremes. I think I'm probably better off wearing clothes than shopping for them! My own picks are pretty extreme too -- from layers and layers of Victorian lace and ruffles, Little Bo Beep frills and sweetness to clean cut Calvin Klein shifts and cigarette pants, from soft creams/nudes/delicate pastels to tough black-and-whites, I'm rather contrary. The one thing though I'd probably never try is Punk/Goth. Too "over" (in Taiwan-speak).

Clothing aside - I've been posted to SGH Surgery for my very first houseman posting :) I'm getting coldfeet somewhat, at the prospect of facing work and being Incompetent. Nothing can be done though, save to suck it up and face it head on. I am (again being contrary), as excited as I am nervous, as optimistic as I am pessimistic. Alas - Work, work, work!! Thank goodness the long working hours don't scare me - just the prospect of not knowing what to do come Crunch Time. It all boils down to that - one must try one's hardest to do one's best!

2009-04-19T20:08:00.005+07:00

part (I)

Mood -- pensive. Just finished a popiah dinner at Uncle Ray's.
Sitting in the dining room overlooking the Taipei skyline as I type, with a bunch of beautiful calla lillies sitting pretty on the table, keeping me company (artificial of course, complete with faux "water"). Dad's watching some singing contest and CNN is being blasted from my room down the hall. I'm sad :(
I don't want to leave!!
Often, Singaporeans here ask me, "So, do you like Taipei?" and their faces grimace a little when I say, "Absolutely!" Seems like living here in the longterm leaves something to be desired, but what exactly, I just can't figure out yet. I've really enjoyed being here -- communication is no trouble, everything is convenient, and there's enough to see, do, shop and eat. I'm glad dad's enjoying his time here -- both working and living (though probably more of the former!), and we're sure gonna miss each other.
I've just gotten familiar with the somewhat crazy traffic system, the different districts, some city landmarks, strange-as-nippon Engrish, the local food and culture, and even bits of politics. It's a little sad to have to put things on pause, pack my bags and head home, albeit not too painful :) This has been a beautiful interlude, but work beckons, for which I'm so grateful. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Pictures to come (shamelessly filched off Esther!), and with commentary on various sights and things. But here's a list of what I've yet to do:
1. Rent a room at Partyworld! (My goodness the KTV lounges here are by the BUILDING -- it's just massive!)
2. Visit the Jade Market and Flower Markets
3. Roam the Tai-da campus
4. Travel to the outskirts and other cities
5. MEET JAY CHOU
To be continued, once I get some leave :)

2009-04-18T08:43:00.003+07:00

"loctor loctor"/starting from scratch

Yesterday was one of those days I doubt I'll ever forget. A full circle -- from another unforgettable day when I received news of my acceptance to medical school, to the day this journey toward another beginning finally ended.

It was the day five years of hard work and stress and endless headbanging finally led to. Weekends at hospital, wee hours of the morning mugging and memorising, endless discussions with study pals, constantly pleading with tutors for more classes and "approaches", and ceaseless rash from the grossed-out tables in school.

I was on an excursion to Chang Gung Memorial Hospital's Obgyn department just when results were being released. It was quite unfortunate timing, because I could hardly concentrate having tossed and turned the night before, and with one eye on my mobile and the other on my watch, I must have seemed rather impolite!

Still, when I finally made time to check online, it was truly a pleasant surprise. I'm actually surprised I'm not quite over the moon (must've been wiped out with nervous exhaustion). Couldn't help but wonder "if only!" but then the optimistic side of me kicked in with various armageddon scenarios (you could have gotten even shittier cases!) and I think it's now a happy balance. Almost at peace :)

It took a congratulatory SMS from someone completely uninvolved with medschool to notify me of the Dean's Lunch. Had no idea what that was about At All and ignored the SMS from dean's office. It was another jolt to the system I must say and I still daren't believe it. Am rubbing my painful joints to bring me back to reality and checking my inbox again but yup! There it is!! And with so many more deserving ones, so many more talented ones, I think I simply got... Lucky.

I wasn't onsite during the collection of results, but from what I've heard it was a pretty sober affair. There were way too many failures this year... my heart goes out to my classmates who'll have to endure the prospect of another round of these horrible exams, but there's light at the end of the long tunnel and we'll all be there waiting :)

2009-04-10T15:49:00.004+07:00

to taipei, to taipei
So after a year and a half, I've decided to change my facebook profile picture. Which isn't a big deal, but just goes to show what one does with so much spare time. While waiting for Taipei to arrive (heading there with Esther to stalk our Jay Chou mwahaha), I've tweaked a few things on fb I'd been meaning to for ages. I rarely have any pictures to put up, but seeing as how I'm on a roll, thought I'd stick up a few of my new favorites (from my 24th birthday) up here too. B Koh I miss you so much! Thank goodness Daddy'll be with me soon :)

Rather pained, after so much food!

2009-04-09T22:49:00.005+07:00

Darling,

I love you, but this isn't going to work out.

I thought we'd be perfect for each other. I took one look at you, and knew I had to have you. When first we met, it was surreal - I never thought I'd see you in the flesh. You were even hotter than I'd envisioned. Big and bold - you were everything I needed to make a statement. We did so many good things together onstage, behind the wheel, down the street, nights out in town...

But today's the day I put you away for good. You made me blister, bleed and cry out in anguish. My bones ache at just the thought of putting you on again.

I hope never to own another such as yourself, another that will stare me in the eye and make my heart go aflutter despite feet that scream for deliverance. Hallux Valgus has done us in beloved.

May you find much joy with another.

Louboutin Red Slingbacks, Sz 39 $145, worn gently

2009-04-05T23:12:00.003+07:00

as promised

And I'm back!

Breathing again :) More than that actually -- since MBBS (aka "mouth big brain small" aka "I really don't think I'll be able to do that all over again" aka "the toughest most challenging thing I've done to date" aka "THANK GOD IT'S O-V-E-R") ended on March 30, I've done almost everything I'd wanted to do -- mainly: SLEEP AND SLEEP AND SLEEP AND SLEEPING till one can't tell day from night, and night from day, meet with loved ones, squeeze in bits of personal grooming (way overdue I might add!), and of course, the requisite TV drama(s) and trashy novel. Plus MAJOR SHOPPING. My wardrobe though, never feels as though it's updated. Guess it takes time to phase out bits of stuff I never want to see again.

Yup, and I've turned 24 :) Really doesn't feel any different though. Think somewhere between 21 and 24, I sort of grew up (which means I could probably survive on my own -- if washing machine and disposable dishes came along too).

Just a brief update, more when I collect scattered bits of my fractured brain!

2009-02-03T20:56:00.003+07:00

I'm alive!

More updates post-mbbs.

2008-12-24T17:37:00.002+07:00

alpha alpha male

"No, I don't think I'm the best manager in the world. But I can't think of anyone better."

- The ever brilliant, gorgeous, kickass Jose Mourinho (currently with Inter Milan).

2008-12-23T00:18:00.002+07:00

connery

There's a boy.

The first I ever saw of him, I don't recall when or where, but I do recall the punch in the gut feeling I had. Basically, he was a hottie. I especially liked that he wasn't a conventional one that everybody gushed over. Well if they did, I didn't hear any of it.

I liked his hair. It was unruly, unkempt, rumpled. Another of my favorite words - rumpled. He had nice clothes, though I never noticed what exactly he had on, only that it was very pleasing to the eye. A nice physique, nice manners (I'd imagine), nice way of speaking... Basically, everything about him attracted me. I never actively sought him out, but suffice to say, each time he appeared, he was bad for my heart.

I blush whenever I get a rush of adrenalin that comes from this exciting zing of a thing. And it distresses me somewhat that I should be so easily read. Thank heaven then he doesn't know I exist :) It would be mortifying!

2008-12-14T20:08:00.003+07:00

twilight x 3

So this weekend, we've had really long days all week in hospital and school. No day ended earlier than 5pm, and most days we finished between 7-8pm. It was a 6-day work week, because we had classes all day on Saturday. Despite the ceaseless toil, I managed to catch Twilight sneaks multiple times this weekend. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

I cashed in precious sleep time for them (caught the shows in the wee hours of the morning) :) Work has hopefully not been compromised.

While it wasn't the best movie I'd ever watched, and wasn't exactly the faithful rendition of the book that I'd hoped for, it was a more than decent affair. Bella was a lot more feisty and tomboyish than I'd imagined (though Kristin Stewart really looked like the Bella I'd envisioned), and Edward Cullen a lot more serious and less teasing than I'd anticipated, they were both well-played (with Robert Pattinson doing an exceptional job), and had sizzling chemistry between them.

So Edward Cullen wasn't ruined for me, and it was nice seeing a rendition of him come to life (despite the shitty make-up and ugly contact lenses) with a pretty kickass wardrobe. Robert Pattinson looks great playing the piano.

Other characters that I thought were exceptional: Charlie Swan was fantastic, Esme was a lovely motherly creature, and Victoria was so beautiful. All in, pretty darn worth the wait!

Now, to wait for the DVD argh.

2008-12-14T19:27:00.002+07:00

date movie

The Chamber is a movie based on a book by John Grisham. Incidentally, when I was twelve, I won the bookprize for math and was gifted with said book. I waited 3 years to read it, needless to say, after watching the movie. The movie was wonderful, but the book was even better.

Tonight, The Chamber was shown on HBO, and just like I did every time I watched it in the past, I cried over and over.

The Chamber revolves around Sam Cayhall, who is incarcerated for a hate crime he commited in the 50s as a member of the Ku Klux Klan. He was implicated in a bombing that killed a father and his 2 children, and was dished the death sentence. His children grew up with huge emotional burdens as a result of their violent upbringing, with his daughter ending up an alcoholic and his son committing suicide, leaving Sam's grandson Adam Hall (family name changed in view of the Cayhall scandal) to clean up the bloody mess at the tender age of 10. Adam becomes a lawyer and eventually heads back to Mississippi to argue a stay for Sam, because vile though he may be, Sam is family.

It is revealed that Sam did not actually intend to kill those children and their father, and had actually timed the bomb to go off when the building would be empty. But his evil accomplice (the elusive K.R.) timed the bomb to kill instead, and left Sam to face the charges while he slipped away into oblivion, propagating the KKK's legacy of hate. Sam has taken the blame wholesale for several reasons, but most of all, because he is seeking just punishment for the many hateful crimes he had committed.

Gene Hackman plays Sam Cayhall to perfection - few actors could have portrayed the many nuances and conflicting aspects of so multi-dimensional a character. Hate and racism are all Sam has ever known, and he is a product of his family's racist upbringing. With his great-grandfather a founding member of the KKK, and 3 lynchings before he was 10, Sam never stood a chance.

The most touching scene in the whole movie that never fails to make me ache and bawl, is when Faye Dunaway (who plays Sam's daughter) visits Sam in prison a few days before he is due to be executed. She has lived with the horror of watching Sam blow his defenceless black slave Joe to bits for no reason at all, as she lay hidden in the trees, and has borne great guilt because her brother had said all those years ago, that if she had asked Sam to stop, he would have and she could have saved Joe's life. During her prison visit, as she prepares to leave after telling Sam that she has forgiven him, she tells him what her brother had said, and asks Sam, "Daddy if I'd told you to stop, would you have shot him anyway?" To which Sam's face crumbles in painful anguish, and because the lie is much kinder than the truth, he says, "Yeah."

Faye Dunaway recognizes that her father loves her and regrets all the hate she was made to witness unwittingly, and that despite all his mistakes, he isn't unrepentant after all. She sobs with every fibre of her being as she lays her hand in her father's, knowing this is probably the last she will see of him.

The Chamber is one of those movies I wish I had a boyfriend to watch with, because it's so beautiful/painful.

2008-12-09T21:10:00.004+07:00

the aircon broke down and i'm grouchy

Once in while, we'll have the good ole "morality discussion" that pops up. About how we're so focused on getting through our patients we forget to treat them like people, whatever happened to our 'purpose', and the general incessant gnawing need some of my peers have to find meaning in what we do really grates on my nerves.

Seriously - is it really so hard to find goodness and kindness and meaning in a profession that makes doing good so easy? It's not that "doing good" opportunities aren't available - if there is a problem it's that we find ways to cut corners and take advantage of situations where people are vulnerable that is the problem.

Look - spare us the the moral turpitude whingeing. We need to clerk patients and examine them for practice, and doing so when a patient is agreeable does NOT equal taking advantage of them. Seriously? I feel bad when 10 of us examine one patient with excellent signs, but if the patient is fine with it, why belabor the case? And if the patient declines, move on to the next. With 90days left to the MBBS, now isn't the time to whine about a "problem" that really doesn't exist. Patients are more than happy to share, and we're more than happy to walk away when they aren't. I think these people are seriously immature and irritating.

On a happier note, I love my job and can't wait to graduate :) though it's getting really stressful! It's all worth it!

2008-11-22T17:55:00.001+07:00

the absent connection

Definitely on a different wavelength.

My-sorts, I need you. Now.

2008-11-18T23:03:00.003+07:00

minus one

Feeling isolated in a crowd of familiar faces is probably the loneliest feeling in the world. I mean how much lonelier and more depressing does it get than walking into a room and wondering what on earth you have in common with anybody, and how and if you should say hello, and looking at your fellow colleague fitting right in and having a blast.

There are bigger problems out there, so this whinge is purely self-indulgence and borne of self-doubt and loathing. But when we get down to it - is it difficult for any of you to find your-sorts of people where you are? Because sometimes my-sorts are just difficult to find and it's very hard to keep tuning into FM when you're clearly functioning on AM. Or is just me being difficult and a pain in the arse? Or ambivalent?

Surely not ambivalent. Because I do care that immersion is a problem, just too tired to figure out how best to ease into things. So avoiding eye contact and running away are the way I do things but that just makes things worse, ultimately. Thus by logical deduction, I suppose I am difficult. Just that I would so much rather be difficult on my own than difficult with people. But it sucks to be left outside too. Which explains this incredibly irritating and Very Lame Post.

2008-11-13T22:02:00.005+07:00

Twilight

So with the previous work-related post out of the way, I am now free to blog about my latest obsession. I hesitated over "obsession" but when you're thinking about something all day, rush home to get to it after a day's work, and hug it to sleep every night hoping to dream of it, wake up late because you couldn't bear to wake up from said dream, stalk cinema listings all day for when the movie-version will be out, fret endlessly if the chosen actor will do Edward justice and promise to riot if he doesn't (please don't ruin Edward!!) -- I think it's an understatement, using "obsession". A word which I really don't very much want to be associated with!

Haha yes my darlings I am currently obsessed with Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga. Thanks to advice from many dear friends, I finally started and finished this series over the weekend. If you don't know by now, they're a series of four books (Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn) about a love story between a vampire hottie (Edward Cullen) and vulnerable girl (Bella Swan). It's definitely not Pulitizer-material (and I think Harry Potter may actually be more well-written), and isn't for anyone who's long past days of teenage crushes and swoons (clearly, I remain stuck in an adolescent pit, raging hormones included), but Stephenie Meyer hits all the right notes plotwise when it comes to making you fall in love with Love and Edward Cullen!!! Twilight's my favorite of the series, and New Moon left me truly devastated (I actually cried at some parts), Eclipse rounded things up pretty alright and by Breaking Dawn it did get a little draggy. But it was a wonderful series all in :)

I think I'm just a sucker for love against impossible odds. And tragic, self-sacrificing, wise, vulnerable, all-powerful hot hot Hotties. Edward Cullen is so awesome! My last vampire crush was Lestat as portrayed by Stuart Townsend. For which I read some Anne Rice books that were nowhere near as good as Twilight.

I can't wait for Twilight to hit theatres. Seriously man. HURRY UP ALREADY!

when you can live forever, what do you live for?

2008-11-13T21:50:00.004+07:00

ortho SIP

It's a blessing sometimes, when one is kept busy. Because when one is busy, one doesn't have time to feel guilty. One won't have to rack one's brains to find things to do either. Suffice to say, the orthopaedic internship (for me at least) is one helluva slack posting. I'm done by 9am most days (with a patient list that's 3-persons' long as compared to some other teams with lists that stretch past 20-persons), and after that, I'm basically free to go. If not for the occasional morning and afternoon tutorial, I probably would too. Am mostly guilt-tripped into finding patients to examine, trying to get some proper knee exams done (haven't brought myself round to doing spine and hips and shoulders argh), and basically trying to get my engine started (am doing very miserably).

Oh well. Work isn't sunny. But where there's no way around it, a Will will surely be found!

2008-11-04T23:29:00.006+07:00

US elections

Frankly, it's none of my business and I don't really care either way. One reason why I'd prefer Obama over McCain would be McCain's awful choice in women - there's that mistress-turned-wife of his who's Botox Barbie reincarnate and his Caribou Barbie VP pick Sarah Palin, who's so vapid she makes Dubya look credible. I mean talk about poor judgement! Versus Obama's Michelle. Who looks great in Barney purple, on top of everything else :) Though credit to McCain for his latest appearance on SNL. I thought him incredibly sporting.

"The only McCain supporter here is probably the cow behind me which is gonna be slaughtered if Obama wins this election."

- CNN journalist on-site in Kenya

2008-11-03T00:44:00.003+07:00

gulp

gulp is such a hideous word

I think about it and it seems like a very good thought. I work the angles, go through various scenarios, change the players, and come up with the same answer - Yes, this could be something.

And then I let my heart take over. And it says - No, this isn't it.

Coming up with a list of pros and cons seems the logical thing to do, but with matters of the heart, wouldn't you think our hearts know best? Perhaps though, our hearts are treacherous, volatile things that need reining in. We can't trust them not to betray our best interests, but we can always trust our heads to give us a good spank and guilt trip, sometimes when we least want it, sometimes too late for our benefit, but almost always with good reason.

Only this time, my heart's the one spanking me, and my head's the one egging me on. The only time this happens is when I'm at the 8th of 15 jackknive ab crunches, any weightbearing activity involving my upper arms, or the first 10mins on the treadmill. The recurring theme it seems, is swallowing the proverbial Pill.

And this is something I definitely don't want to have to swallow like a pill. Or two or twelve.

2008-11-02T22:54:00.003+07:00

tumbling

Tumble is one of my favorite words. It's such an easy word - such a silly, informal, luxurious word. I love how it rolls off my tongue, how it conjures up pictures of an afternoon spent in white fluffy cotton-pillowy bliss. And of adorable ribena berries.

I tumbled into a beautiful maze of camelias and never found my way out.

2008-10-26T12:55:00.005+07:00

one for the road

2008-10-19T00:37:00.008+07:00

a simple saturday

I spent my Saturday very productively. Not work-wise (why can't I stop thinking about work!), but health-and-heartwise. I've acquired a pair of running shoes, a couple pairs of shorts (my thighs have not seen the light of day since forever), and spent the last hour of the day pounding the elliptical machine and treadmill. For as long as my thighs haven't seen the light of day, they've been getting flabby and haven't been tortured by a workout in yonks. (Haha and darling Joy, no hotties to be had!)

But the highlights were breakfast with Addie (whom I must say looks absolutely smashing - something special in view of the fact that she's going through HO year! jealousy!), and a book I'd picked up at a bargain basement (literally) price outside Queensway. I'd been meaning to purchase "Sundays at Tiffany's" for a long time. But it seemed a little much to pay top dollar for fluff - plus aside from the gorgeous bookcover (it caught me at first glance) and "Tiffany's" in the title, it's a love story (not trashy romance novel, big difference by the by) written by James Patterson. A crimewriter. Strange, I know.

Anyway, Sundays may be 'fluff', but it's also the loveliest book I've read in a long time. It's so hopeful and simple. It's a beautiful story (but I can't do it justice with a petty synopsis so I shan't even try), and I keep imagining Patrick Dempsey as the protaganist in my head so you can imagine why I had to finish the whole thing in one sitting. It's also set in Manhattan, which brought back lovely memories. Now I simply have to go back! If all works out fine, I'll be back in time for end-spring early summer :) Perfect.

2008-10-16T23:12:00.006+07:00

capricorn

Another leetle note: Thanks steffy! It hadn't crossed my mind at all (the MAC liquid liner). Will definitely keep a lookout for that too! Ooh and I've found the most perfect lipstick steffy! It's a new Shu Uemura color (will try and email you a picture of the print-Ad that completely Sold It!), only it's completely sold out and I'll have to hope a new shipment arrives, and soon. It's just the right mix of matte/lustre and goes on like a dream (even on my horrible chapped lips), and is a perfect shade of cherry.

I realized I haven't actually blogged about work at all. Just a mini update:

We have a test next Saturday (at the end of this "lovely" break)-- a Paeds one, and that's going to be just awful. Needless to say, I'll be (have been?) spending my time mugging for Paeds which is tough (all the Paeds specialists are either deanslisters or people who graduate with MBBS (honors), meaning they've topped the class year after year). The scope is so wide, I don't quite know where to begin so I'm hugging my lecture notes and praying for clarity and peace of mind. Nothing worse than panic. I hate panicking but am prone to sudden palpitations and awful premonitions of impending doom.

Jay Chou's Capricorn (just released yesterday) is keeping me company somewhat. I tell myself among the many things I want to do after my exams is finally head over to TW to spend time with daddy and check out Jay Chou's vintage shop, and look for random TW hotties on the streets :) Such a nice thing to look forward to. His songs are the soundtrack to my life! And Capricorn will be keeping me company through MBBS. Scary thought. 5 months... too little. But not too late! It's as though the music's started, and right now we're down to the final few moments before the waltz starts and we start whirling round the dancefloor. I'm scared! I'm not ready to whirl, not quite! And mugging is far more unpleasant than whirling round with some random stranger. "Jay Chou's new album is out! Time to Start Seriously Studying!" (his albums invariably come out at in the last quarter of the year).

Wonder what landmarks there'll be post-MBBS, when Jay Chou's next album comes out. Life is an endless train of thought and I'm a little scatterbrained right now.

2008-10-16T22:58:00.005+07:00

man vs machine

First off -- Joy darling! Thanks for the headsup! Will go check the Guerlain out once I've settled the following (what I'll be discussing this post). Love, as always :)

Okay ladies, it has come down to literally, Man vs Machine.

I am deciding between

1) A gym membership with personal fitness instructor

2) An elliptical machine in the privacy of my bedroom

Any advice which to pick? I'll be checking things out tomorrow. My dad's pretty set for the fitness instructor and gym thing, but I personally would prefer having a machine at my convenience because I have odd hours to keep and there's the unpredictable schedule that medicine is. We end at strange hours, sometimes early and mostly late. And it's just such a hassle to travel to the Gym (nearest one being either in town where parking sucks, or at Novena, which is not near either), and have to make small talk with a person, and put on gym clothes, and CARVE OUT TIME. Already I'm pressed for mugging time, now having to commit time to a routine is just painful. So you see why having a machine at my beck and call is such a promising alternative. But dad, being the prescient practical one, has already predicted that the Machine will wind up a white heffalump! Argh. I AM A WHITE HEFFALUMP! It's very depressing to feel myself turning into an awful combination of cottage cheese and foie gras.

Time to stop the bitchwhining. Friends, I hope I'll have more fitness news to report soon! Ooh and advice please!

2008-10-13T19:31:00.004+07:00

biomechanics

I have bad feet. Which explains why I'd rather sit through a pedicure than a manicure. Being curst with hallux valgus (of my right foot) and as a result of my foot's altered weight-bearing ability I have since developed multiple calluses and bunions, so a good pedicure has thus become a neccessity rather than luxury.

Choosing the colour of nailpolish that's going on my toes no longer affords as much joy as feeling those awful thick-as-nails (serious pile up of keratin there) calluses being peeled off, followed by a delightful footrub. I am an old bag, I know.

Picked navy blue, but I'm a tad disappointed because with the thick double coat of color, it now appears more black than blue. Darker colors are more difficult to maintain too -- the teeniest chip and you'll see it. Chipped nails seem to be de rigeur nowadays but I really can't imagine chipped toenails ever being anything other than gross. My last polish, a delicate nude, lasted almost a month. But nude shades make my feet look like they tread on padi fields (coarse and brown)... oh well. I am just happy to have clean callus-free feet :) For a week or two anyway! The most boring bit of all's waiting for the paint to dry. More painful than watching Sarah Palin trainwrecking her way through an interview, I guarantee.

2008-10-12T20:49:00.005+07:00

who I want to be right now

I am absolutely in love with Katy Perry! Her album's one of the rare ones where I can literally sit through every song without having to fast forward or skip tracks. In fact, I was hoping the songs would just keep going on! This lazy Sunday afternoon, after a Very Filling tea, I tumbled into bed and put on Katy Perry. My brother had grabbed first dibs on her CD after asking mum to buy it(knowing full well how much I liked her but was too cheapo to pay for the disc), and when I saw it I just had to have it! I'd heard "Hot n Cold" and figured nothing she had would top that cos it was just perfect, but her very first song off the disc, "One of The Boys" was soooo good I kept it on repeat and never got out of it! So while I've listened once through to the whole album (during my lovely nap), I never got past the first song when I went out driving today.

I know it sounds strange that I listened to her album while sleeping, but that's what really fantastic songs do to me. And while I dozed in and out of multiple musical orgasms, I kept telling myself it'd been way too long since this has happened! The last album that did it for me (yeah MULTIPLE Os) was Lisa Ekdahl's "When Did You Leave Heaven" album.

Katy Perry's brand of infectious pop rock has got me absolutely hooked, but her Style has really got me drooling. An updated kickass modern 50s pinup -- she even trumps Dita Von Teese! Could she be any more perfect??! She's the woman I Want To Be! And I've never said this about anybody (hm not in recent memory anyway). Well, except maybe Michelle Obama (haha but that's a story for another day). Go Check Her Out! Now!!!

2008-10-11T22:15:00.003+07:00

the other magic wand

I simply have to tell you about my favorite mascara. I haven't gushed at all since I'd discovered YSL's touche eclat a couple years ago, so indulge me :)

Now, I have lousy eyelashes that are your typical toiletbrush sort - short and stubby, with not the remotest flirt of a curl. Plus, I have oily eyelids (even though I've stopped using my eyecream as religiously as I'd used to; long story short, I think my eye cream decomposed in the heat of the boot of my car and it's still a full tub and I really can't bring myself to buy a new pot all over again so I struggle between putting on questionable eye cream or going without and risking wrinkles) which are horrible when it comes to holding eye makeup in place. It invariably smudges. Especially mascara which leaves me with unsightly panda eyes. I'm still looking for the perfect liquid eyeliner (though the Mac gel-eyeliner comes pretty close, it still smudges on occasion - am dying to try the YSL one but it's always out of stock). I never use eyeshadow because putting that on makes me feel like a tranny.

Anyway, the one mascara that I've used that is smudge-proof (lasts the WHOLE day, even on my oily lids and in no-aircon conditions!), works wonders on my toiletbrush lashes (lengthens AND curls them!), and never clumps is... The Anna Sui Mascara (Long). When used with the Shu Uemura eyelash curler, the results are fabulous. The applicator is still your traditional brush sort as opposed to the toothcomb technology that's come into fashion, but because the mascara doesn't clump, this is completely fine.

However, I think I'm still pretty resistant to spending those extra couple of minutes slapping it on in the morning. Every extra minute in bed is precious! But the Anna Sui mascara is so fabulous, I think I might consider giving up some of that :) We'll see! No facepaint during the two week break! Time for the stress spots to heal.

2008-10-11T22:10:00.003+07:00

kayaking (with crap biceps)

Just finished up the ID (infectious diseases) module on Friday with a test that was purported to be challenging. Needless to say, spent the past few days trying to cram for it, so it went quite okay I suppose. People are getting edgier now as we kayak toward Finals.

I'm having a two week study break which I hope to spend fruitfully, after which we'll be starting the Orthopaedics Internship which means a month of pretending to be a houseman (i.e. junior doctor) again. Not a very opportune time in light of the impending exams, but what can one do save suck it up and get on with it.

Now, I just really want to watch Vicky Christina Barcelona. I love Scarlett! Maybe I shall, once the Diabetic Foot Conference ends (it's all of this weekend). Stop laughing.

2008-10-03T02:41:00.002+07:00

my precioussss

A couple days back I was bought a marvellous new laser printer at a bargain basement price of $128. It is simply... AWESOME!!! Haha it sounds really geeky but it's for the express purpose of - you guessed it - printing out notes ASAP.

At 16pgs/min, I don't really have any complaints since my previous options included :

1) The inkjet printer in my brother's room that crrrawwwled (plus highlighting over bubblejet ink is a Nightmare)

2) Heading back to NUS photocopy shop, situated inconveniently far from the carpark. Always a daunting prospect having to hunt for parking (seriously they should invest in a multistorey carpark dammit) and praying that the cashcard has enough money because the topup machine in the photocopy shop never works. At least prices were good at 5cents/pg. As opposed to rip-off Coronation Plaza which charged a beastly 50cents/pg (!!!). The tyranny of monopoly.

I highly reccomend buying a laser printer because they're so cheap and it's so pleasant to finally have stuff online out in print the instant I want it. Can't read things off the computer screen. Old school lah!

2008-09-30T22:59:00.004+07:00

"The First Formula One Night Race"

Haha since many people have pictures or videos way more exciting than mine, I'll just put up pictures of my parents and I :)

It was awesome. I mean I wasn't entirely looking forward to it, assuming (like most people) that the view would be much better on telly, but seriously nothing beats the orgasmic roar of the start of the race where all 20 cars speed off. One hears rather than sees them (as evidenced by the impossibility of taking ANY photos of any moving cars) - they go so fast. It was so freaking AWEEESOMEEE. And that the Safety Car came out twice was perfect because then, all 20 cars slowed to 200kmh and would go round the track, and while it wasn't as orgasmic as the start, it was still pretty darn spectacular seeing them whiz by consecutively.

And from where I sat we got pretty darn good pitstop views and the Felipe Massa mistake was just so painful. The poor fella! We were wondering what the whole fracas was with the Ferrari pit team (ears plugged, we couldn't hear anything on the screens) and suddenly saw the few people running towards Massa who was at the end of the pit. And onscreen we saw that silver monstrosity sticking out of his car! Horrible!

But Alonso I think completely deserved this victory, especially after his painful qualification that saw his car stalling (thank God that didn't happen on raceday - imagine grinding to a halt with just one lap to go oh man) and him literally hopping mad (he hopped like a crazed monkey), especially since he'd been clocking the best laptimes.

And seeing the track highlighted against the Singapore skyline was a priceless thing. Beautiful, simply beautiful.

Haha :) Indeed!

Don't they look like little oompa loompas? The Ferrari people... with their tail between their legs after the Massa Mess
Daddy flew in special :)

2008-09-24T22:32:00.003+07:00

view from my bed

My DVDs used to be the biggest collection of stuff I had. They kept me company on date nights, provided me with fodder for thought and fantasy (wahaha), and cost me thousands of bucks. Books and novels came second. Alas the relentless march of mental retardation.

But what's even bigger than my DVD library now is my collection of notes, textbooks, notebooks, files and all things related to medschool and mugging.

So I've gone from being a no-life loser to a no-life mugger. Which is a very moderate improvement don't you think?

I definitely still put my DVDs to good use, as they keep me company through the wee hours of the morning. It's very depressing not to have company when facing MBBS monster panic.

And a little depressing to see that the last thing I wrote of decent length was about my undying fangirl adoration for 2 fictional perfect men. I think I'm either delirious or demented (both involving impaired cognition, with the difference between the two being a matter of consciousness, which is impaired in the former but not the latter). With consciousness being defined as "clarity of awareness of the environment", I'd like very much to proclaim my deliriousness.

I BELIEVE FICTIONAL MEN ARE GOING TO WALK OUT OF MY TELLY AND COME GET ME.

2008-09-23T23:57:00.009+07:00

watch Hana Yori Dango today!

Everytime I watch Hana Yori Dango, I am torn between Rui and Tsukasa.

Hana Yori Dango is a very popular Japanese manga famous for the F4 that has spawned many a Taiwanese and Japanese superstar.

My favorite version has to be the Japanese Live Action series comprising 2 serials and a movie (currently showing at a Cathay cineplex near you).

Shun Oguri plays Hanazawa Rui, the sensitive soft-spoken intuitive all-knowing guy who looks fabulous in white and is the perfect gentleman. He's the subtle genius who sits quietly in a corner all by himself, seemingly oblivious to the world, but nothing escapes his notice. He reads people with pinpoint precision and is the Virgo to Tsukasa's Aries.

Tsukasa Domyoji, played by Jun Matsumoto, is a wild beast. Feral, violent and incapable of reining in his temper, he is the leader of the F4 and has no qualms doing anything and everything for the love of his life - Makino Tsukushi (played by Mao Inoue). Unlike Rui, Tsukasa makes no bones about his need for Tsukushi. Literally, without her he is untameable.

I think Rui is the guy most girls think they want, especially since he's so hard to get and is so clean and perfect. But what HYD does for us girls is while indulging our female fantasy in pimping out Rui, who really does a pretty good job being perfect, it debunks it completely in featuring a flawed but ultimately wonderful Tsukasa. His consistent insistence that Tsukushi is the woman he is fated to be with, and his dogged pursuit of this spunky girl-next-door against all odds, leaves one breathless. Where does this one man, who has everything in the world (neglected to mention that Tsukasa and Rui are both wealthy scions - how very convenient - and Tsukushi a 'commoner'), find the will to keep on going? This is truly what girls want - just that one man to love them and only them, and who will go to (literally) the ends of the earth with them, for them. Because he simply can't live without her. Someone who brings out the worst in her and loves her still, and someone whom she's comfortable enough to quarrel with. Incidentally Tsukushi can't do either with Rui.

While one is tempted to think Rui stops his pursuit of Tsukushi because in typically precise fashion he has long figured that Tsukushi and Tsukasa are simply meant to be, and he really didn't stand much of a chance (except for a little dithering there in Season 2), he is just short of that magic something that makes us want to root for him. He just didn't fight hard enough, not simply because he didn't want to, but it isn't in his unruffled nature to do so. He is too put-together, too perfect, he doesn't need people on his side (which incidentally is incredibly sexy too - see the dilemma one faces?!).

At this point, I should perhaps mention that Tsukushi's feelings develop much like most fangirls' - she was initally attracted to Rui (for obvious reasons), but found herself increasingly unable to ignore Tsukasa's fierce but tender pursuit of her. She falls in love with Tsukasa almost against her will and without her knowledge, especially since Rui starts going after her just as her feelings are in flux, and she has Tsukasa's nasty temper and even nastier Mother to deal with.

Each time Tsukusa is faced with Tsukushi's many doubts about the implausibility of their situation, he never fails to say, "Anata wa ore unmen no onna!" (you are the woman I am meant to be with). And they fight their next fight. Tsukasa's unfailing belief in them and how that rallies Tsukushi's spirits is lovely to watch.

This is why I root for Tsukasa, even though the sight of Shun Oguri in white (!!) never fails to make my tummy do a little flip. Right now anyway :)

2008-09-19T16:42:00.000+07:00

it will be alright

Though not much mugging has been accomplished today, it was a lovely happy peaceful day. Hardly had one this past month, despite having more than my usual portion of sleep. Emotional turbulence has rocked my spirit despite attempts at resisting its influence.

So it was lovely to awake from a beautiful nap lovingly ensconced in soft fluffy white cotton sheets and pillows on cloud nine. For no reason at all. A zen-like equilibrium and texts from various nice people. Happiness is a very inexplicable sort of benediction.

Thank you :)

2008-09-18T19:42:00.007+07:00

retort-in-waiting

Can't wait to unleash this on the next man who pisses me off.

"I'll cut you in ways that will make you useless to a woman."

Teeheehee.

2008-09-18T19:42:00.003+07:00

sushi & otah

Eating otah leaves me feeling nostalgic. It's the preschool eating at the wet market with my grandparents memory and those kickass savory spicy sweet chunky fish bits that get me every time. Yum. It's so hard to find nowadays though.

Nothing makes me feel older than seeing photos of people from my cohort getting married, or people I went to school with getting married. I look at those pictures and sometimes I think they look really grown up, and that leaves me wondering if I look 'grown up' too. And gets me mulling over whether I should be doing more 'grown up' things, taking more responsibility for my life. At 23 I'm still going to school, getting delightful pocket money from pops, staying with mum and dad, and not doing any laundry or cooking or cleaning and obviously, not getting laid. I gloat when I say I'll be able to manage on my own if I absolutely had to, but it is with (precious leetle) shamelessnes that I say I absolutely don't want to.

There are times though, where they look awfully young - just the same as they did in school - and if you put them back in ye ole pinafore they'd fit right back in the morning assembly crowd. But when I look at my brother's classmates, I always think no way - at 23, we're really past those lazy messy peer-pressured adolescent days of ungroomed eyebrows and sky-high ponytails. I absolutely don't miss being a teenager. At All. Though I miss preschol a whole lot, and always wonder whatever became of that carrot-topped nameless fella I shared happy afternoons with.

I sit at my desk typing random thoughts, taking bites of discount-sushi (it's past 9pm) and waiting for the water to heat up before a nice long bath and a (hopefully) decent night of mugging. And while it's obviously nothing like preschool, the feeling's reminiscent of otah days of yore.

Comfort is a very lovely thing to have. I love my otah and sushi (and sometimes even mugging and school).

2008-09-14T16:10:00.004+07:00

the ferrari california

Speaking of hot wheels, the most beautiful car I've seen in a long time is the Ferrari California. The perfect blend of feminity and masculinity, it's one helluva sexy hardtop cabrio - curvy, compact, strong. I especially love the view from behind :)

2008-09-07T22:58:00.002+07:00

blue chip stock

I'm so blessed with many many beloved friends, who unfailingly loan their ears, shoulders, knuckle sandwiches and karate kicks (and most importantly, their TIME) with nary a reprimand or "you were so stupid!" sort of useless berating (see I knew that already -- am not THAT stupid). Just an endless stream of loving encouragement and warm lovely blankets of support and ganbattes. What's a girl to do without you all?!

As opposed to my horrible low the last week, I am now at peace and ready to work. Yes I Am! On to mugging we go, and chugging along, and never giving up. 6 months to the FINAL and boy oh boy do we need to work.

Yes steffy darling -- I shall savour the moment where I finally get my chance to deliver that Supercilious Stare. Just thinking about it gets me turned on! Plus of course, whatever they can do, I'll do better (that'll teach'em to shut their stupid traps).

2008-09-04T21:02:00.015+07:00

masochistic shit magnate

Exhibit A:

"Hi Natalie, I just got an idea while reading business news at lunch time and have a proposition for you. I don't think I have sat in a convertible before. If you can give me a ride in your limousine, I will let you join one of my afternoon clinics where I see only new cases. The deal is negotiable. Thanks. =)"

Exhibit B:

The One Night Nothing (see previous entry).

Exhibit C:

"I thot you said you let me choose the treat. Well, if it's $10+ then drinks at TCC, if it's $20+ can go to nydc or we could have dessert at Paragon."

By the by, the 'treat' was in consideration of a call-swap that we did. I swapped a saturday call for a sunday call. And I actually thought the fucker was doing it out of kindness (my dad, currently based in taipei, was in town for the brief weekend). And how much worse could a saturday call be than a sunday call????

But girls, the saddest thing about all this has to be that in spite of all the horrors I've had to deal with in the past 2 months, I've still not had any desire whatsoever to turn lezbot. It's either indefatigable optimism bordering on delusion that somewhere out there, there has to be just ONE good, decent man who'll finally think I'm worth being with. Or it's gotta be emotional masochism. At this point, I'm going with the masochism. Cos I really don't think there're any decent men out there anymore and it fucking hurts like crazy and I can't deal with this AND a month in C/GH doing ortho and geriatric medicine too.

Because EVERYDAY (coping with work aside), I haul ass down the PIE and have to relive that one-night-nothing that should've been alright (read my initial equanimity), but really turned out to be the worst nightmare of all. Because he wasn't supposed to be an Exhibit. He wasn't supposed to completely ignore me thereafter and make me feel a fool. No call, no text, no IM, nadah. Zip. I really wasn't expecting much to begin with, just some common decency (absolutely not an apology, just something along the lines of "we were both a little tipsy so let's be friends and forget anything ever happened") so that it wouldn't fester into emotional PTSD (and I wouldn't be left cringing in fear of running into Exhibit B one day far far away). Is that too much to hope for???

Meet Exhibit Nat: The Ultimate Shit Magnet.

I think when God gave me a wonderful, perfect perfect Dad, he also pretty much decided I'd all the good manliness I'd ever need this lifetime. But really - would asking for normalcy be too much? I'm not even asking for niceness. I'm not asking for A Man. I don't fucking want a Relationship. But can't I not be plagued with people who're only out to milk me for a ride and I'm not even sure if I'm referring to the car anymore (chrissakes you're 50 years old!) or who use me like some girl-on-tap when they feel a sudden urge to simulate a relationship?

Or is this actually NORMAL? Is decent no longer normal? Is "normal" now "strange, fucked up and superweird"?? The worst of it is sitting down and rationalising everything so now it's starting to look like it's all my fault. My fault that I was "too friendly" and didn't heed rumors, my fault that I followed him out the door, my fault that I swapped a call for personal reasons that didn't amount to an emergency, my fault that somehow, I find myself in the path of these types of people not knowing how to extricate myself from the wreckage.

The Decent Man has gone the way of the Dodo. In my life at least. And I must have done something to deserve all this. Please tell me what I need to stop doing or start doing so that this will all go away and I can finally get some decent sleep.

I beg you please.

2008-09-02T18:48:00.002+07:00

tandem walking to the sunset

One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Chin up, eyes to the horizon, hands behind your back. March to the dumdumdum of your heartbeat that ebbs and flows with the tide of feeling. But never stop to think, or reflect, for fear will catchup and spinetingling numbness will leave you paralysed. Don't look back, or under or over or at your feet. Eyes on the prize, that juicy giant golden orb.

The loneliness is so beautiful, painful; clarity abounds. Don't love and you won't lose, or gain. Don't hate and you won't be blinded by the bloodred mist that pervades an angry spirit. There can be no hurt when there is no feeling. There can be no sadness when there is no loss. No loss when one gives nothing.

Nothing nothing nothing.

Dum dum dum.

Marching on and on. Hands behind my back. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time. No moment too precious, no moment too painful.

Eye on the prize.

Eye on the end.

2008-09-01T20:44:00.002+07:00

scales have fallen

1. Find out everything you're supposed to do and DO IT. Don't do any less. Do more if thus inclined for your patients' sake but don't do somebody else's job for them because if you screw up, you're screwed. If you decide to do so anyway, don't expect any appreciation whatsoever. Whatsoever. Never ever leave someone else to cover your ass. You'll be sodomised.

2. The gossip mills are unavoidable. It's like fucking Amsterdam. Keep your trap shut and remember that when you leave the room, you're probably gonna be gossiped about too so don't mix and mingle, don't give your dollar's worth and don't give them anything to talk about. Because they'll find plenty to talk about anyway without your help. But it gives you a modicum of comfort knowing it's all unsubstantiated and untrue bullshit anyway.

3. Judgement and preconceived notions are a sad fact of this life, but don't let that get in the way of your working relationships. Remember -- innocent until proven guilty thrice. Even then, try not to attack someone's character just going by the quality of their work. Just know who you can work with and who you can't; not who's "shitty" and who's not. It's not personal, it's business.

4. Leave the working shit at work. Find friends and loves outside of that crazy microcosm. Don't do anything stupid you'll live to regret. Grin and bear it and always remember if your patients are safe and well, you've done your job. Anything else is unwarranted, unnecessary and uncalled for.

2008-08-31T20:23:00.004+07:00

the one-night-nothing

I have trouble remembering my dreams and nightmares. Unless I make a note of them, the details start fading shortly upon awakening.

So this shall my my little note of a somewhat strange Saturday all-nighter.

And you know, I still can't quite figure out what happened really or what I felt. But what I'm feeling now is relief and ambivalence (pretty much). Not even injured pride or disappointment or self-loathing (well maybe a little of the last). See this is why when one goes in with low, better yet, NO expectations, one always comes out a winner.

Take for instance, this one-night-nothing.

Attraction is a very strange thing. And a very dangerous thing. It makes us make people out to be different than they are. Is one ever attracted to a whole, because I'm always only ever attracted to bits and pieces. I'm not sure if working with bits and pieces will make things whole eventually, because I've never had a chance to do any working out. I'm wondering if even though one doesn't like the whole, but perhaps just X% of the whole, will liking that X% wholeheartedly be good enough?

Because I really do/did like that X% very very much.

And anyway, I think men are just horny. Boys too.

2008-08-22T20:00:00.010+07:00

no-brainer, one-liner

And we're back to that old familiar feeling all over again :(

2008-08-17T23:50:00.003+07:00

flashbacks

I don't think I will ever take for granted the exhilaration of seeing the "flashback" when one sets a plug or takes blood. Eventually, it'll be come the norm, but for now, I'm still working hard at mustering sufficient confidence to set a plug in a pretty tough vein (the slippery ones that love to slide out of the way just when you think you've got them) or narrow spidery ones (so tiny the lumen of the needle won't fit through) in full view of an audience of anxious relatives who're likely to complain to the administration in the event of a slip-up. Well, almost there I think!

Today, I managed to do just that for Mr Leong who had veins of moderate difficulty in front of a brother-in-law of supreme difficulty. And for a Mr Tan (who thankfully had no relatives present), whose veins were teeny tiny indeed. Not a waste of a Sunday :)

2008-08-17T23:37:00.003+07:00

one is not the loneliest number

It is with curiosity that one wonders at this state of affairs. A product of several years of hard work and self-indulgence, and the prospect of more of either in the several more to come perhaps?

When sleeping in holds more appeal than heading out in the company of somebody attractive, or when websites like "uptodate" are more interesting than replying to emails from said somebodies, one can say, "I am seriously past needing or wanting men," and be believed.

Or, perhaps one has entered premature menopause.

2008-08-13T05:25:00.002+07:00

night calls with J

I think the single most wonderful thing about SIP so far has been the seniors I've finally gotten a chance to know better. In the wards, I'm taken care of by R, who is simply the most patient and kind HO an intern could hope for. He takes me through everything -- from deciphering acronyms to filling-up-random-shittyass-forms-101, and has not once lost his temper with this very inept pupil. And he's always full of hilarious anectdotes and so eager to share his mbbs experience we never run out of things to talk about. I've also been blessed with 2 super working buddies -- G and K who're respectively, uber-cool and the-most-unlikely-orthopod-to-be.

But the absolute cream has been doing night calls with J. She is absolutely perfect. It helps that we've sorta seen each other around since secschoolgep days and she's everything I wish I had balls enough to be. Plus, she's brilliant but never impatient and also, very very kind and so excited to teach. We get along. Period. It's a chemistry thing that can't be described. Subliminal and so wonderful. I only wish I'd gotten to know know her sooner!!!

Tonight's (well, day now) call:

1) Finally learnt the trick to setting plugs and taking bloods with ease -- GO SUPERFICIAL! I'm exploding with joy!!! It's taken far too long but I know it would work out eventually :) I can't wait to suck more bloods!

2) Catheterizing old gentlemen with BPH. Finally learnt the trick to getting past the osbtruction. Always was worried about urethral transection, now I've been taught how to get around it :) yay!

2008-08-10T00:57:00.002+07:00

leave of absence

I'm sorry dear ones if I've been absolutely incontactable or unavailable. My time won't be my own for another month or so. Or for that matter, till next May. Though for the upcoming month of August it will be especially tight because of the SIP (student internship program).

2008-07-21T02:15:00.005+07:00

google that

Google and Wikipedia are such an integral part of my life now that I say, "No worries I'll just google/wiki that" at least once a day.

I love Wikipedia. It really is getting me through medschool. Not that I would trust everything in it, but it's just such a convenient starting point for delving further into a concept/subject/point of contention that requires a little more research. Now having said that, Wikipedia's also so awesome (and you know I NEVER use awesome) because I haven't yet found anything I couldn't find on Wikipedia. Even something as obscure as "Erb's point" which was essential to a long-standing (mis)understanding regarding early diastolic murmurs.

On a separate note, I am currently reading up the Soong Sisters (where else but wiki), whose lives I've always wanted to find out more about. "One married for money, another for power, and another for China." When I was growing up, I always fancied myself power-hungry. I still do. But I think, if ever I should marry, it would be for nothing but something silly like love. Marriage is so much trouble, and only something silly could blind us to all its inconveniences!

2008-07-18T00:40:00.002+07:00

psychiatry for posterity

2am. I sit in my room, alternately turning the airconditioning on and off. My temperature receptors are extremely sensitive. And my brain. Oh my brain.

I tried recalling the many times this scene has played itself out -- the final few hours before the test, still trying to review those stubborn chapters that just wouldn't stick.

Feels like trying to squeeze the last bits of mayo out of the tube. Onto a sandwich that's already overstuffed with turkey breast and tomato slices. I never eat lettuce. It's like biological styrofoam.

I blog this for posterity's sake. Because this is the last end-of-posting test I'll be taking (not counting Derm, which will happen just 2 weeks before the MBBS in March and which will effectively be my final clinical posting in medical school).

I'm too wired up to come up with an actual psychiatric diagnosis but my mood's elevated I should say, bordering on hypomania. Fortunately I've never suffered from depression in my life, so it's not likely Bipolar II, and I'm not manic enough to be having Bipolar I.

Psychiatry is a pretty abstract subject. The difference between Somatoform Disorders and Conversion/Dissociative disorders being a matter of 'intent'. Neither of which I'd ever want to see, frankly. Both would require a lot of patience.

Psychiatry is also a pretty useful subject -- while it would remain somewhat lower on a list of differentials (not counting a Mood Disorder in which a patient is actively suicidal or manic to a point of self-endangerment), the notes on Organic Psychiatry have provided a good review on an approach to common symptoms like "Confusion in an Eldery Patient".

Pertinent psychiatric conditions apart from the exotic Schizophrenia that I find particularly useful include Perinatal Psychiatry (including Post-partum psychosis), Alocohol Dependence, and Eating Disorders. I don't quite buy the argument for Personality Disorders.

I have Sleep Disorders, Psychiatric Emergencies, Psychotherapy, Behavioral Therapy and Pharmacotherapy to review. Hmn.

2008-07-16T23:39:00.002+07:00

bonsai

Psych test on Friday. It sucks but well it's gotta be done and will soon be over. Shit I wish I were more into it.

I realize how much learning is dependent on personal interest. But having said that, interest can sometimes be inspired by a good teacher.

People say sometimes, it takes just one inspirational practitioner to make your decision with regards to a choice of specialty. Though having looked at my collection of logbooks from all the various postings I've had through medschool (can't believe we've almost done the whole round!), I have yet to be convinced. My interest in O&G stems from my long-abiding interest in Women's Health, not because I had inspiring tutors. But having said that, I've found myself drawn very much to Internal Medicine as well, and that again is based purely on personal interest. What about Surgery? Surgery is not especially fun for students, because we really don't get down and dirty at all, but I've met classmates who're surgery obsessed and I'm definitely not into it that way. As regards Surgery, I remain ambivalent.

Specialties aside, I've embarked on this train of thought because while I remain very hesitant in saying "I love Neurology", I drag my sorry arse down to clerk patients on weekends and attend clinics on weekday afternoons despite having a Psych test (which is incredibly challenging by the way) looming 1.5 days away because of the excellent teaching. I was never all that averse to Neurology, but because of my prolonged exposure to the subject, as with my prolonged exposure to cardiac murmurs and respiratory medicine, I have come to appreciate it's intricacies and to enjoy it even. "I like Neurology" is as far as I'll go, which is more than I'll ever be able to say for Psych!

Okay it's almost 1am and I've got a whole textbook, 15 sets of notes and random stuff to plough through. Will continue post-Friday.

2008-07-15T19:37:00.007+07:00

easy breezy

We belong to you and me...
"The deepest, the most personal, and the most bizarre..." I think if I ever had Alzheimer's, one of the last things I'd forget would be the time we tried making putty out of our erasers in my bathroom. Heeheehee :)

2008-07-15T19:22:00.007+07:00

070707

The day we met, my familiar unfamiliar friend, my horoscope said:

"Secretly you want to know what lies at the end of the road before you take the first step. The stars say it's not important to know the exact details about the future -- just trust that it will be there. Now start walking."

It's true though that horoscopes are hocuspocussy bullshit and we should always listen to our smarter selves and not "stars". (God it's so stupid it's almost funny.) I trusted you, took that damned first step, met you more than halfway and look where that left me. Stranded in a place no girl wishes to be, all alone with that familiar unfamiliarity. Strange stranger, estranged.

Figment figment figment.

2008-07-09T20:23:00.004+07:00

chi fan le ma?

Sometimes, it takes so little to make someone happy it makes me want to cry.

I met a Mr Kwok this evening, a rather typical uncle one would find in the wards any given day, with some financial difficulty and glad to finally be able to start using his medisave to offset the bills. I spent an hour talking to him (just 10 minutes on history taking because that's all we're allowed in exams), mostly chatter to keep him company. He was delightful, and so willing to be examined I felt almost guilty, thus interspersing my neurological and eye examination with bits of conversation to amuse him. He actually stopped eating his dinner because etiquette demanded he paid attention to the doctors, even though they weren't speaking to him, rather speaking of him in front of him. He looked on, like an adorable mynah hoping to pick on a sparkly bit o' string.

I don't really know how to describe the feeling one gets when at the end of a long, humid somewhat sub-productive day, you feel like you've come home to somebody who needs you and whom you need too. It's nice to know that in some small way, one has helped, albeit in the pursuit of knowledge more than for any other altruistic reason.

I hope he gets his rice tomorrow. He's been living off rice grains drowned in soup.

2008-07-08T22:10:00.003+07:00

on alzheimer's disease

"Memory loss is not like loss of land with a rising tide: the last memories to be sunk in the sea of forgetfulness are not earliest or latest, but the deepest, the most personal, and the most bizarre: prime ministers come and go, but for dementing British patients of a certain age, the last name retained is that of Mrs Thatcher. When this name sinks into oblivion ('fame's eternal dumping ground'), often long after that of sovereigns, deities, spouses, and children, one may safely say that the waters have covered the sea."

Strangely touching, almost funny, so beautifully expressed. I love my Oxford Handbook and I wish I could write like that.

2008-07-07T18:15:00.004+07:00

nice guys, first

When I say with complete honesty, "Well, I wouldn't mind going out with X. He's really nice!", more often than not my girlfriends think I'm kidding, and with blatant astonishment they unfailingly say, "No way!"

I think "niceness" is pretty darn underrated. After years of wallowing in a Dating Desert and being told over and over, "You're just too choosy!", I think it's time I corrected some misconceptions.

I don't believe I'm selling myself short by saying I seriously wouldn't mind dating somebody nice, who'll understand when I need to be selfish and on my own and whose niceness is so overwhelmingly incomprehensible that it leaves me stunned.

Yes. I would like to be stunned, swept off my feet, in constant awe. And why not by "niceness" or "kindness" or "goodness"? There're few things more valuable. I should know to treasure them, since I have precious little of the abovementioned.

2008-07-07T16:55:00.004+07:00

What Do Paeds And Psych Have In Common?

Absolutely Nothing.

Paeds revision postings are woefully inadequate -- we basically have 2 weeks to cram everything in. Not Possible. So what does this mean? Well, I guess the upside of being assigned 14 weeks worth of clinical postings at NUH for M5 means that we get to raid the paeds wards during said period.

I've just started psychomed revision posting, definitely not one of my favorites. Another 2 weeks of evaluating neuroses, psychoses and trying not to catch either. Though if you think about it, it's probably normal to be neurotic because everybody has their own quirks but I think it's definitely not normal to be psychotic (hello, hearing voices?? time to get that checked mate).

Over the weekend, I discovered many auditory pleasures. Well, all of Eason Chan's mandarin hits. He's just phenomenal!!! I love him! As much as Jay Chou :) Esther Fang and Steffy Lim -- we are going for Eason's concert if he has one okay!!! And Judie the Pug is soooo adorable, such a little piglet :) And my brother says baby pugs aren't puppies -- they're PUGLETS! How cute is that?

And yes, I've not forgotten my American Pictures, but I'll do those once I get this stupid case report of "Zoster Ophthalmicus with Complete Ophthalmoplegia" out of the way.

2008-06-30T19:19:00.004+07:00

facebook

Natalie did not sign up for a "rich husband, 2 kids, a penthouse, Porsche Cayenne, Harry Winstons, Manolos and Hermes".

Today ACSian medschool classmate said out of the blue, "Blahblahblah girls just wanna be tai tais." Which is probably true considering the classes of girls he'd grown up with. Well, you girls would know my take on the situation.

Come on! I could barely contain my disdain. And I'm not saying this because I think being a stayhome mother is a complete waste of a life -- there's absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to be a Mother to your children and sacrificing a career for that. Sacrifice being the operative. But to actively seek to marry well just for a life of comfort just reeks of lazyass hedonism.

When life becomes nothing more than a competition to see who gets the latest It bag quickest, who wears the most expensive couture, what fabulous soirees one gets invited to, how often one appears in the pages of some lame magazine, how much one raises with a "fundraiser" (some of which are little more than an excuse to throw a big party for people to wear couture to etc), it becomes small and petty and pointless.

Jim Carrey, surprisingly enough, once spouted some incredible words of wisdom. He'd been seriously depressed for some time and when he came out of depression, he said, "People should be given everything they'd ever wanted in the world so they'd realize just having all that stuff wouldn't make them happy." This need to bring on the bling is probably symptomatic of a deeper insecurity, an emptiness that one attempts to fill with immaterial stuff. Again I'd like to qualify that by saying while nice things are nice, having them at the centre of one's whole world is something else altogether.

2008-06-29T13:49:00.002+07:00

who needs mastercard?

1) Great sleep

2) New discovery -- Kerastase Hair Mask (the only thing that's ever worked first time around)

3) Drinks and tea with the girls!

4) A Happy Mummy :)

5) If It Kills Me and other Jason Mraz Jems played roofdown

2008-06-26T13:09:00.005+07:00

gastroenterology

Shit I can't remember what I'd wanted to talk about.

Ah yes, the state of my bedroom. It was actually depressing enough for me to chuck it out of mind. I'd go for days without going near anything except my bed. My chair was piled high with clothes, floor was flooded with paper skyscrapers (yah figuratively), table was stacked full of jewelry, dvds, gifts, testimonials, textbooks, and bits of machinery. I'd get home as late as I could, chuck my bag down, strip, take a bath and go to bed. It was seriously Getting Out Of Hand. My Stuff was sucking up all available space. BUT since this is final year (and don't get me started on the midnight panic attacks that have plagued me ohmygod), the need to get up to speed has jarred my cleanup engine into submission and well. Here we are. A partially sorted bedroom and one very allergic, itchy, runny-nosed... well-what-am-I.

I cleaned it out yesterday. Dug through the Bowels and sorted out 4 years worth of paperwork -- lecture notes, scribbled notes, case notes, the Works. Files upon files of SO-MUCH-STUFF some of it useful, some of it tossable, but all of it in need of major organization. Wish I were gifted with a Dewey-Decimal brain that could think up of ways to keep things organized -- unfortunately the extent of my organizational skills was "toss/don't toss".

Subsequently of course, skills I'd accrued from the nightmarish days in primary school where we were FORCED to file our worksheets (how very retro) kicked in, and now I am one happy, well sorted well-what-am-I.

And my bloody wardrobe. I've seriously been picking out random things and chucking them on because I can't find anything in that jungle of clothing. This -- This Giant Huge Mess Of Wearable Stuff -- has sucked the shopping libido out of me. Not that I came home with much after 2 months spent surviving the States, but this is seriously Shoporexia.

And now I've just remembered I've yet to email-thank my Gastroenterology tutor at SGH for the 2 weeks I spent with him. Shit.

2008-06-20T22:50:00.003+07:00

henry james

"It was the coming true that was proof of the enchantment."

Just in case shit hits the fan and everything crumbles to dust, I'm holding on tight to every moment. A trip to the moon on gossamer wings...

2008-06-20T22:22:00.002+07:00

paradigm shift

I've realized the source of my many accidents (both on and off the road) has been a result of a most unwise approach -- "when in trouble, run away -- FAST!".

I have since learnt the single most useful lesson from Andrew (spyder's guardian and my kind coach) -- "when in doubt, whatever it is, slam the brakes!" And needless to say, among the many good things that come in a porsche package, are a set of fabulous brakes that instinctively know when to toe the line.

2008-06-20T20:04:00.002+07:00

glamourpuss

Last night, I got drunk most unglamorously and shamefully on desert wine. With my family no less! Dad's home from TW for a few days so we celebrated a little :) The nauseating headache and whingeing... thank goodness I never suffer from hangovers (alas, and hope never to!).

In my drunken stupor, I thought of emailing somebody (whom I can never decide whether or not to kick in the arse) and berating him for not ever keeping his promise to keep in touch, but to my salvation, the laptop was out of battery and I was too drunk to figure out how to work it. So sparing myself one less embarrassment. All forms of communication should be witheld from drunkards, or there should be a rule somewhere that states drunkards are not to be held accountable for the rubbish they spout/email. I'm sure many a forlorn person would then use "But I was drunk!" as an excuse for saying honest truths like "I really wanna kick you in the arse you no-good twerpy $&^*$#$!!!"

In my deep drunken sleep, I resolved many mysteries. Among them, included what should be done about my frizzy disgusting overgrown mop of hair and the reason why Uncle So-and-so disappeared for 3 days without a trace. Both of which, had left me greatly perplexed. Unfortunately, I failed to work Neurology into my brain and I think I'm pretty much screwed for tomorrow (mini test with tutor, darn).

Anyway, today I finished up my med posting at SGH (for what it was worth) in the morning, got my cleopetra cut in the afternoon (blunt with bangs), and collected ... THE SPYDER!!!

For those in the know -- I'd been waiting and Waiting and WAITING for it. It arrived on my birthday, shortly before I left for the states, and when I arrived home, because of some paperwork that still needed resolving, I'd to wait another fortnight almost before getting behind the wheel. But now, it's home at last -- makes the most amazing sound, and the carrera silver bodywork with red leather is just so freaking awesome.

Ooh phone call :) Yay!

2008-06-19T17:05:00.002+07:00

dum dum duh dum

I know, I said I'd blog about my time in the States, but I really haven't found the energy to. I guess it'll take some time before it stops feeling painful to reminisce about what could happen only once in a really long time (if not, a lifetime -- but that I simply refuse to acknowledge!).

To put a bandaid on way overdue blogging -- here's a random thought.

I think people fall in love because when they do it's a crazy rollercoaster of nutty feelings but when they don't, they're numb (which sucks), or waiting (which is probably worse).

2008-06-10T04:30:00.002+07:00

a big bite

So the good stuff doesn't get lost in the details, I've decided to resume blogging only post-return. It was pretty much ... Perfect. And I'll introduce you to the people who made it so, very shortly :)

2008-04-05T18:03:00.003+07:00

big apple

So many things have happened the last week, that have touched me greatly.

The surprise birthday celebration (complete with boxful of do'hnuts!) my lovely NNI group (Chris and Jean especially) put together just for me :) Plus birthday dinner with the family at La Noce, AH with Dr Lee, Thursday's debrief at Starbucks, winning the TROPHY!! (well the other half of our fabulous NNI group anyway heeheehee) at the quiz on Friday, our farewell lunch at Garuda where so many wonderful memories were forged, belated bday drinks with the lovelies (JOY darling I'm so glad we caught each other this time, no fullstops, EVER), and alas, Today.

Crazy crazy day, dashing around to pick up last minute bits, packing everything (I started just yesterday, and no I have NOT started my neuro research write up -- I've had much more enjoyable and important things to do so there :P), dashing off last minute emails and thank yous, and now, just before dinner... and 4.5 hours before my flight... I am emotionally torn (Jean thinks I'm bipolar, but I think I'm just bi-mood-al!).

With trepidation, I am overjoyed at the prospect of this fabulous opportunity that really, happened very miraculously. I'm looking forward greatly to exploring New England (with encouragement on so many fronts!!), and again, finding myself :) By some happy coincidence, Smitten (local monthly glossie) has a glorious spread on where to shop in Boston -- Serendipity? I'm taking it as a happy sign of things to come :)

Once again, will miss you all loads and loads (ster, I'm sorry we didn't catch up this time, but we will when I get back!),

your loving friend.

2008-04-05T16:38:00.000+07:00

never never

My NNI posting has been nothing short of fabulous. Though many times I questioned my brains, felt intimidated and wondered at how I'd navigate neverending neurology (just as one grasps one concept, another pops up in its place to confound things), I loved it. It has been, handsdown, the best posting I've had thus far in medschool.

Learning was such fun, and my NNI group has been perfect. It's so great how random people were brought together that really managed to develop a group dynamic unsurpassed in enthusiasm and brilliance (not just brainwise). Everyday was filled with laughter and new facts, everyday was Fresh.

I'm going to miss it so much.

2008-03-31T02:01:00.002+07:00

crossroads

I didn't know when I'd say this but I knew I'd say it sooner or later -- I'm gonna miss Neurology like crazy. Actually, NNI. I loved my NNI posting though

1) I felt stupid all day

2) I felt wicked all day

3) I never worked as hard as I'd intended

4) I still don't feel like I've learnt enough

mostly because the general culture in Neuro is pretty similar to that of paeds -- the people are just so eager to learn, so eager to share and so all round kind, generous and nice. And needless to say, bloody brilliant. They're awe-inspiring, and yet so down-to-earth. I've never met a department more eager to impart their wealth of knowledge, and in the most engaging way ever. They seriously do their best to decode a subject that is infamously confusing.

I'm stressed till breaking point. Things on the must-do list (we aren't even talking about the full to-do list here):

a) settle housing in New Haven

b) send off plans to Uncle Jack and Auntie Kay

c) NEURO CASE REPORT

d) pack my suitcase (gargh I hate winter)

e) spend time with daddy (he'll be in Taiwan when I return in June)

and so many things but those are the major stressors.

My tutor at Harvard's just coming back from Iraq (he went to the front because his son signed up for the Marines and he wanted to stand by him), and he's been obliging enough to allow me to reschedule my posting so I'll be completing the full 4 week rotation after all. Here's how things are shaping up:

Yale -- 6 April till 2 May

weekend getaway, new york

Harvard -- 5 May till 30 May

NYC till June 3 and then I'm finally back home. Will probably do a spot of travelling on the weekends, but that's still some time away and I'm just trying to sort out my housing at New Haven argh. To think -- I'm flying in less than a week and I've yet to pack or confirm my apartment. I hope to settle everything by tomorrow. Oh man this is so stressful.

Part of me wishes I had more time in Singapore (I especially want to extend my NNI neuro posting and do a gen med posting), but this experience will be simply invaluable. I think I'm just chicken at the heart of it all -- y'know, going solo and everything is really a little overwhelming. Am assuaging my conscience by continuing a gen med elective in June when I get home. Okay, 3 am. Bed and bath time. Been reading articles for my case report, and I'm blearyeyed now.

Please Lord. Make Monday a Good Day.

2008-03-24T01:22:00.002+07:00

inventory; flight of ideas pressure of speech; help

The thing is I never admit things are bad until they stop being bad. Then I'll go "Oh man I was seriously depressed!" and revel in the fact that I'm not anymore. But with time I've grown to recognize those kind of symptoms and I think I'm going through a bad phase right now.

A bad phase involves bad sleep, bad eating habits, bad study habits and general "my life is directionless and I'm kinda feeling screwed" thoughts. Also, room is a mess, nails are chewed to the quick, feet are blistered, hair is limp, and car needs a wash.

Today (Happy Easter by the by) I attempted to address bits and pieces of those problems. I paid for a carwash, paid for a full pedicure and did some neurology reading while my toes were being shaped. I also put aside the necessary forms required for my new passport, and will fix that tomorrow so my tickets to NYC can be booked asap. I will call up Harvard one more time tomorrow to see how things are (big deal, I shan't go if it's too much trouble), confirm Yale accomodation via email, and mug like shit and get started on my neuro research write up.

Need to fix the bedroom it's such a horrendous mess. Wonder where that'll fit in. 2:30am now, rambling on and on... Need to get hair washed. Need serious help?

2008-03-12T00:17:00.002+07:00

splash

Talk about plunging into the deep end! I've started Neurology, which is mindboggling.

First, a brief respite over the weekend. Got back early Saturday morning after a comfortable flight. Took the motion sickness pills at the start this time, so basically slept through the whole flight. Pre-check in, I was sweating in my pants as usual, praying my luggage would make it through without being taxed for overweightedness. Well, thanks to a very obliging and kindhearted guy at the counter, my 45kg suitcase made it through. It helped perhaps that the angmoh in front of me had no stuff to check in. So in total, I have purchased 15 kg worth of books!! Which I think I will put to good use :)

Spent Saturday reacclimatising to Singapore -- food, family, and good rest to get back to S'pore time. India's 2.5 hours behind, and it was pretty tough starting Monday at 715am.

In fact, we're starting at 715am for our entire Neurology posting, which sounds brutal but actually is a pretty great thing. My tutor, Dr LKE is a wonderful teacher -- very dedicated (he tries to meet us whenever he can, sometimes up to 3 times a day!!), and tries his utmost best to simplify concepts for us. Well, I find neurology incredibly confusing because I can't remember anything much about neuroanatomy and my physical examination skills need tonnes of brushing up. As I've said, we've been thrown into the deep end, and it's only day 2 but it feels like I've gone through a whole week of Neuro and am no where good yet!

I know this is a very empty post, but I would have more to write just that I just woke up and I need to bathe and get some reading done (it's 130am, and I've got to catch at least 2 hours of sleep or I'll really collapse tomorrow).

In other news -- I have realized that my blushes are better controlled now. It helps especially when I tell myself "This Is Not An Apocalypse" and "I Can Live Through Worse" when inconvenient people from the past suddenly sprout up in the lunch queue, or when put in the spot and failing to answer very basic questions.

I don't care. I'm going to be kickass at Neuro even if it kills me! Ganbatte!

2008-03-07T12:33:00.002+07:00

india, ten

Have almost finished saying goodbye. Only Prof Sunil left to find (may not be able to after all), and some forms to sign, certificates to collect, photos to take, toiletries and random bits to pack, and I'll be off. Spent the morning in the operating theatre observing a right hemicolectomy. I'd seen the patient in clinic when she first presented with anemia and intestinal obstruction, then in the wards, and now on the table. The tumour was massive, encroaching into the retroperitoneal structures and with widespread lymph node involvement. They took ages to mobilize it and when it finally came out I think it weighed a good 3kg. It was a monstrous, bloody, polypoid fungating mass that looked positively malignant. I shan't be around when they break her prognosis to her, and I don't know if I'm sad or relieved. Another operation coming up -- total gastrectomy for a 52yearold man with a loving family. He's got advanced gastric cancer, but hasn't been told his prognosis either. They think it's around 1.5 years, but God-willing, who knows how much more time he has? He was very nervous heading into the operation, and his family were clearly trying to be strong for his sake though they were distraught. Well, he's in great hands, for which I am glad.

Yesterday I discovered the deliciousness that is the egg and cheese sandwich at the college canteen. For all of 25Rupees (About S$0.90), you get a fantastic toasted sandwich packed with one layer of greasy filled cheesy goodness and another layer of omelette fried to perfection. Combine that with a subtle hint of fatfilled butter and some spicy ketchup, and it's absolutely divine. It's a lovely change from Indian cuisine (much as I've enjoyed it). I shall be packing that for lunch in the car (one for me and another for Mr Krishnamurthy, an adorable old fella who always asks my permission before he whips off his chauffer's cap heehee), although I think it wouldn't taste half so good as it would have fresh.

It was a strange cycle today. Dr A G (the outgoing HOD as mentioned in previous entries), also had her last day at CMC today. We chatted for some time, and in her I find a somewhat kindred spirit. And in some strange karmic way, it seems like we're both on the same path, just at different ends of the cycle. She's heading into retirement having enjoyed a wonderful and rewarding career and also having time on the side to get married to a lovely man and have two lovely daughters, while I'm heading into the end of my undergraduate course with the rest of life ahead of me. And we both start our new beginnings the same day. I wonder :)

2008-03-06T23:24:00.002+07:00

india, nine

It's 10pm Vellore time. I've just wrapped up evening rounds with the surgery teams I'll be following into theatre tomorrow, checking out the patients pre-op (the best time to examine them because they have florid signs). It's my last night, and I simply can't believe it is.

I spent the morning with aforementioned Dr A G (outgoing HOD for Medicine 3) at a secondary hospital called Karigiri, situated some 10km off CMC. It was lovely. A charming new building, well constructed with great planning on the inside, which was breezy and open and very quaint. It's the community health centre, sort of like the polyclinic concept. You get some basic (well a little more than basic!) labwork that can be done onsite, and GPs to consult you and refer you to the main hospital when necessary. It serves the village folk who can't necessarily afford the outpatient fees at CMC. It's Dr A's pet project, post-retirement I think :) It was odd, going back to Medicine after having immersed myself in Surgery, but I learnt a whole lot. We saw the usual patients with hypertension and diabetes, but with Dr A, I realize there's always something more that I didn't know before, something more to learn. It's never-ending, for which I am so glad :) It would suck it things were static! As we made our way to Karigiri, we passed by bits of Vellore I hadn't yet seen -- the river without water, VIT (Vellore Institute of Technology apparently world famous), and some very good road. But it looked pretty much the same as the rest of Vellore. Will try posting up pictures once I get back.

I tried taking as many pictures as I could today, realizing that it's probably my last chance to. But pictures are but a poor substitute for the real memory. Someone once said that the memories you really treasure are those you keep in mind without needing photos (okay so they said it more eloquently). Well true to some extent. But photos do help someone with poor faculties (like me).

Anyway, I'm a little bummed I shan't be able to follow Prof Sunil's clinic tomorrow because I'll be leaving for Chennai a little earlier than anticipated to get some last minute shopping done. But in all practicality, I would've only been able to attend 45mins of his clinic anyway, which wouldn't have amounted to anything much save the fact that I could have said goodbye properly. He's arguably my favorite surgery tutor (and he wasn't even in the team I was assigned!). I'd basically been hijacking clinics run by all the various surgery teams (6 in all) to get a better grasp of the subject and to see a wider range of cases :) Oh the things I've seen! My list needs updating... which I hope I'll find time to do back home.

I have so much more to say. I think I would cry if I had any energy left but it's been a long day and I've yet to pack. For now, I'll put a fullstop because the bus is coming. But suffice to say, I shall miss this place dreadfully (yes I know I've said that lots of times).

2008-03-04T17:14:00.003+07:00

india, eight

Just finished a 3 hour subtotal gastrectomy op. Spent all of it on my feet, which wouldn't have been so exhausting had I been doing anything constructive. The hardest part about being a surgical intern is the inactivity involved when one stands in for operations. It's like watching a movie in a foreign language, with barely any climaxes or plot twists, and all this done standing in a very itchy garment. I didn't scrub in today (scrubbing in means we don sterile gowns and gloves and can then actually partake in mundane chores like retracting the abdomen, making a few cuts and sutures etc -- i.e. better than nothing!), because I'd entered later than the start time after spending the morning doing Grand Rounds at the Medicine side. I wouldn't miss those for the world :) Many more things I've seen today, but I'm realizing that my reading can't keep up with everything I'm seeing. 4 weeks at CMC is just about right I suppose -- time to get serious reading done when I reach home to Singapore. One can only absorb so much!

Ah yes. Chennai. I spent Sunday in Chennai, shopping a little. The main shopping I did was for gifts for my tutors (I settled for traditional Indian candy from a very respectable, non-touristy boutique shoppe). Other bits of shopping were for clothing at FabIndia, a somewhat touristy place (you can imagine expats shopping there -- feels a little like Holland V back home) but very nice just the same. The prices are simply unbelievable. For about S$70, I bought myself 2 gorgeous cotton "mang" tops (stiff gauze-like shirts that are delightfully crisp), 2 long skirts (great fabric, easy to wear) and a pair of salwar pants (loose-fitting traditional Indian pants). I would've bought souvenirs only there wasn't anything very pretty. I also visited Landmark, which is a bookstore chain much like Timse or Borders back home. The books here are a fraction of the cost compared to Spore prices and I had a blast browsing :) The highlight though, was lunch at the Sheraton Chola with Mr and Mrs P, friends of the family. It was the best meal I've had since I came, comprising delightful Northern Indian cuisine, which is a lot lighter and somewhat tastier than South Indian cuisine (in my opinion). We had tandoori chicken which was perfection and I had a WHOLE FISH to myself, done tandoori style too (i.e. similar to bbq), with scrumptious dips and yoghurt and pan and naan. We finished with kulfi, a custard-like cold dessert. It was divine :) My tummy hadn't felt so satiated in ages. Oh my goodness I have almost had it with the South Indian food. You don't get ANY vegetables (they're all mushed up!), it's all carbs, the meat when available is so super greasy, and curries while nice are too jelat when eaten everyday.

I've almost finished writing my thank you cards (almost 30 in all), and as I write each one, my heart twinges a little more. I can't believe it's 4 days till I'm home. Time just zoomed by.

2008-03-01T21:24:00.005+07:00

india, seven

It's funny, surfing the Sartorialist (thesartoralist.blogspot.com) in Vellore. Clothes don't seem so important here -- fashion and trends I mean. As I've mentioned, everybody's in traditional garb. I always marvel at how every woman is so well put together. Their saris are made of fabric of all textures and colours, and it is always perfectly matched with the little cropped-top they wear on the inside. India is generally a very colourful place. It is exotic, without trying to be, and a very earthy place. Earthy... I suppose I mean sensual really :) Women are women and men are men -- traditional gender roles are pretty much the rule here.

Am wrapping up now. Will be doing call tonight (which will hopefully prove interesting!) and have spent a most productive day in clinic today with a lovely helpful tutor :) which is the only reason why I am spending the night in hospital despite having to haul ass to Chennai tomorrow. It's not often one finds so willing a teacher! I can't think of any one particular reason why I'm going to Chennai. Above all else, it'll probably be a break sort of, which will lend me some perspective. It's very easy to lose oneself when one spends 24/7 in hospital as I've been doing. I can't imagine doing this (staying in CMC) all my life, practically speaking (because life seems to have other things in store for me). But honestly, I think if I had to, I wouldn't mind. I know now, how much I love my work :) I've received so much encouragement here both from the doctors and even on a spiritual level, that this really will provide me with the motivation to keep striving for improvement, if not Perfection. I never felt so charged up about things as I have here in Vellore. Medicine here is so... Real, so pure. People are treated because they need to be, and there is no bullshit. Investigations are ordered and diagnostic tests done because there is good reason for them, not to make quick bucks or because the clinician doesn't know better. You can't pay? Pay what you can -- I mean it. The doctors are forever writing off bills here. They NEVER reject a patient simply because they can't afford treatment. You're ill, you're treated. No questions asked. There's also this scheme in CMC called PTP (patient-to-patient), where a patient who can afford to, is offered the opportunity to offset the financial burden of a patient who can't. Where else would something like this exist?

I only pray this newfound verve will stay with me, even as I return home to comfort and ease and luxury. How I shall miss this place!!!

2008-02-26T17:52:00.003+07:00

india, six

So I've started Surgery proper. It's a whole different world from Medicine is all I can say. And my gosh the tutorials here are simply amazing. We had multiple thyroid tutorials yesterday, and one of the tutorials featured FIVE thyroids and one insulinoma (which is so rare I think they've only ever had 30 cases in CMC!). I kid you not. F-I-V-E thyroids. Everything from Graves (with eye signs!!), to Papillary CA with lymph node involvement, solitary thyroid nodules, fixed thyroid nodules, multinodular goitres... basically the entire spectrum of thyroid pathology. I thought I knew thyroid inside out after TWO freaking tutorials, but the third tutorial by the HOD for Endocrine surgery was just MIND-BLOWING. Literally. I could feel my brain being blown off my head by all the subtle facts and stuff. You'd think by now we'd have nothing more to add to our fundamentals. IT'S ENDLESS!

I've also had my first medicine tutorial (which was on generalized lymphadenopathy, see below), which was mindblowing too, but not really up there on the richter scale with the 5-thyroid tut. I suppose it's because Medicine rounds are mindblowing enough, so you kind of go into a tutorial with the same level of expectation. I love it. Rounds, by the by, are when the doctors go round visiting all the patients in the ward every morning, to review their cases and discuss their managements etc.

Surgery rounds are pretty cool too. But only the Grand Rounds because I think you actually learn something then. They put us in a spot and grill us for answers. Daily rounds are mundane, unlike Medicine rounds where everyday there's something new to learn. Case in point. I went for Medicine Grand Round today (the mother of all rounds) and THE CASE LOAD WAS JUST OUT OF THIS WORLD. We had generalized lymphadenopathy (including epitrochlear nodes! I'd never known of their existence before today omg), brain abscesses, pericardial effusions, chronic interstitial lung diseases, Type II respi failure with unknown cause... OH MY GOSH. There's just so much to learn I can't get enough of things! While I'm in the midst of all this I don't feel like it's a lot, but when I type it all out it's immense. I NEED TO READ!

Speaking of reading. I have been Balaji Book House's best customer in recent times. I think I've bought at least 10kg worth of books -- most of which I'll NEVER find back home because they're written by Indian authors (amazing stuff), and the others I bought at prices which are simply unbelievable. At least 50% off the Singapore price tags! And you can bargain too :)

I'll be heading to Chennai on Sunday on a day's excursion, principally to purchase gifts for my tutors. It'll be a nice break, as Sundays aren't all that productive in hospital (as I found out last week). I slept really well for the first time last night -- think it's the product of too many sleep-interrupted nights and sheer exhaustion post 5-thyroid tutorial.

I miss all of you so much, but I know I'll miss CMC hell a lot too, so I'm making the most of every moment :)

2008-02-23T17:52:00.003+07:00

india, five

I think the turning point came when I was so shagged, I simply rested my head in my arms on a table in Casualty (the CMC equivalent of A&E Dept) that still bore evidence of a recent blood spill, some bits of vomit and other random shit from orifices that don't see the light of day and took a deep breath. This is incontrovertible proof that I have acclimatised to my new environs. The dirt doesn't bother me so much, I use clorhex handrub as an afterthought more so than as a reflex, I don't mind touching footsores, don't mind leaning against the dusty walls, have given up checking the bottom of my basket of toiletries for mould, and have stopped spraying repellent (!!). And today, I finally found the courage to wear my sandals out (previously I'd been in my covered ballet flats). The one thing I haven't gotten used to though is the ants in my bedroom. WHERE THE HELL IS THE BLOODY ANT NEST? It's really irritating the crap out of me. Oh and the fan brokedown 2 nights back and I've been sleeping in dense heavy heat (the cool spell seems to have departed boohoo).

All that aside, I am STILL having the time of my life :) Was a little upset after a really unrewarding round at Cardiology clinic yesterday (3 hours of sheer boredom), but the rest of the day was super cool. Started surgery clinics (omg they are simply FABULOUS we see everything! and the consultants are so obliging they TEACH like amazingly well!! HEAVEN!!!), attending mini surgery lectures with the local students, and attending ward rounds in the evening with a new medical unit. Today I'm doing casualty with my medicine unit but it's too chaotic now and nobody's got time to answer questions so I'm doing research on some rare varicose vein inherited mutation disorder type thing in the library to prep for Vascular rounds. I'm very pleased with the exposure to Vascular surgery because I didn't get a rotation when I did my surgical posting back in Singapore.

I have massive amounts of reading to do (the more I read the more I realize how little I know) and I am greatly discovering my partiality toward Medicine. It's just a lot more interesting when read. But I suppose it's not fair to compare Surgery with Medicine that way because Surgery's a more hands-on, eyes-on affair. Talk about enjoying a handful and eyeful :) Have lots of interesting stuff to update my "Things I've Seen" List with. Heeheehee.

Am heartily sick of Indian food, savoury and scrumptious though it is. Mostly because it's very jelat to have curries all day long. I know I always end up talking about what I'm eating, but that's because I always blog around meal times. Think I'll have chapatti tonight. :) And can you believe domestic flight tickets in the USA are $2000?? It's gonna cost me that much to fly from philly to connecticut. Ridiculous.

2008-02-19T13:15:00.002+07:00

india, four

Just wrapped up morning ronuds with the outgoing HOD, Dr AG and was pretty damned impressed. She's one of those outgoing happy people who don't deliberately put housemen on the spot but inadvertently wind up doing so when they ask questions. See super smart people don't realize that what they're asking isn't really all that easy to answer, so they expect you to do so and when you can't, they matter of factly state the answer and leave you feeling dumb. Unintentionally of course. She's well-read, so experienced and has great people skills. Also, a real sweetheart and so hip! Short pepper gray hair, chunky beaded necklace and kickass sari. Speaking of saris -- it's just such an odd garment, I can't decide if it's conservative or not. But more than anything, I think it's supposed to be sensual. And you know it's incredibly ironic how it's okay for ladies to walk around with their midribs (haha tummies mostly!) bare but not okay for them to wear sleeveless tops. Well, with the current weather, it's not likely anybody'd be exposing themselves indecently. It's getting pretty darn chilly -- about 19degrees maybe, and I need to sleep in long pants now. It warms up toward noon and is alright again till the sun sets. It's MBBS patients galore now, and I've made my appointment to see the surgery patients tomorrow after the exams finish, and the medicine patients either today or tomorrow. The trouble is, it's not really possible to take histories from them, so physical examination will have to suffice. Gotta go do some surgery reading tonight!

On Sunday, for the first time ever, I used the washing machine! I got up bright and early and decided to do my laundry before everybody else hogged the machine (we only get 4000l of water a day for the washing machine so I think that covers about 5 washes maybe?). It wasn't a disaster, which is most excellent :) I wonder if I should put more washing powder in next time though. I was afraid to overdo the washing powder and up with soapy clothes!

Another first on Sunday -- I headed to town. Although it was a little too hot for comfort and I headed back after a measly 2 hours, I took lots of pictures and pretty much saw the main shopping street and market. Lots of things are closed on Sunday (people really respect the Sabbath here). I bought 2 Indian tops that I can wear with pants/tights -- both to fit in with the general culture (everybody wears traditional clothing here, even the international students), and also in case my laundry turned out a disaster (see above). Visited the supermarket where I managed to buy some gummy bears (yayy!) and COKE LIGHT! Familiarised myself with the town bus route, which is pretty uncomplicated. I've been taking the college bus (the chartered bus that plies the campus and the hospital route) so as to avoid the crazy crowd on the townbus (see previous entries). Am glad that on Sundays, the buses aren't so crowded. I spied lots of little restaurants, and when I gather enough courage, I'm gonna have me a roadside mutton curry!! You see dinner walking along the street and it's a little disturbing -- little goats, some cows etc. But oh well. Like everything else, one becomes accustomed to such things.

2008-02-16T19:22:00.005+07:00

india, three

I have never found a library so conducive to study as the Dodd Memorial Library at CMC. It is quiet, well-aerated, and despite the noise of construction that intermittently disturbs the peace, all is well. The selection of student-friendly textbooks is extensive and very satisfying. And of course, there is the computer lab at hand for quickchecks with wikipedia. It's Saturday evening now, but there is no where else in Vellore I would rather be.

The thing about being on one's own (entirely) is that there is plenty of time to reflect, complete autonomy over decisions regarding what to do with one's time (which is such a pleasure because having to come to a consensus is rather tedious sometimes), and well, complete Autonomy. Period. I love it. It has reinvigorated my thirst for knowledge and experience and learning. I haven't been so inspired in a long time. Think it might have begun with pathology, when things finally started coming together (albeit, not everything but just bits here and there). But the satisfaction one gets from understanding something makes it worth the effort it takes getting there. I can't begin to explain how wonderful it feels to wake up in the morning and head to this amazing hospital where patients abound, doctors are so willing to teach and everything is new. There's also no need to rush, no need to struggle with over-clerked patients ... it's like a buffet-in-wonderland.

I have seen much, though I would say it is different from doing an elective in Singapore because it's near impossible to take a history here. So physical examination and differential diagnoses become more of the tasks at hand. It has been almost a week, but I have seen nothing but the college campus and the hospital and Balaji bookstore across the road. Perhaps I'll go explore Vellore town tomorrow, if this fair weather holds. It was so hot and sticky when I'd first arrived, but is much cooler now. It even drizzled a little and there's a nice breeze in the afternoon. At night, it's cool enough that I need to drape my legs with a blanket.

Will go see the cor pulmonale patient that got warded from clinics now. And perhaps, catch the chicken biriyani for dinner :) This is truly, an experience to savour.

2008-02-16T12:34:00.001+07:00

india, two

CMC is really amazing. Here everything superficial is ripped off the face of medicine -- you have world-class medicine being practiced in third-world conditions. It boils down to the brilliant medical practitioners and investigative procedures at the technological forefront. I still haven't gotten over how odd it is to see people coming in barefoot from rural villages all over India with a bagful of radiology reports and blood results slips. And the array of investigations available here surely isn't less than any tertiary institution in Singapore -- but you REALLY can't imagine all that stuff going on in this hospital which is like a throwback to World War II days. I'm not doing it justice by this haphazard explanation (really need to rush back to clinics soon) so I'm not gonna try anymore. It's simply awesome, and you have to be here to experience it firsthand to be blown away.

Anyway, speaking of brilliant practitioners. I've been in clinic all morning (till he decided he needed a coffee break) with the HOD and I've not said ANYTHING RIGHT. I can't see why -- I know the answers to the stuff he's asking just ... I'm coming across like a complete fool and I don't know why!! It's so irritating!!

Life is going better than ever, though I really miss Chinese Food! Have yet to venture outside the hospital, may do so this weekend. It's just that I can't bear to immerse myself in all the dust and dirt that is Town. It is so dusty here -- just being around outside leaves you coated in a thin film of dust.

Am heading to Yale for a Reproductive Endocrinology elective in April, which was the best Valentine's Day gift ever (they sent out the acceptances on Feb 14). I'm completely ecstatic (though initially it took awhile to sink in) simply because this was THE elective that I most wanted from the USA. Yale has one of the best obgyn centers in the states and I'd been hoping so much to do an obgyn elective overseas :) Okay, will update more but for now it's back to clinics!

2008-02-11T14:44:00.000+07:00

India, one

Where to begin?

It's hot and extremely humid. The air is heavy and makes everything move so slowly. It's funny because I'm actually typing on a keyboard without any alphabets left on the keys -- we type blind mostly, but it's really weird not having any alphabets on the keyboard anyway. Thank goodness for a computer room though (the PCs are from the mid-90s).

Chennai went by in a blur because I took some sleeping tablets for the car ride to Vellore. The thing about travelling on the roads is everybody has their hand constantly on the horn so it's just such a racket it's unbelievable. I'm staying at the international students hostel on campus so it's pretty convenient. There's a grocery place, the principal's office is just down the dusty dirtroad and the college canteen is literally "25 steps away". So far I'm surviving on omelettes with ketchup. I miss wanton soup horribly and pei dan chok!! The tea is good though -- little shotglasses of what tastes like teh tarik. Money here is very small -- you can survive on 200rupees a day which is a little over 2USD. Culture shock came today though (not counting the general squallor) -- the townbus ride to the hospital.

I used to avoid buses 66 and 67 because they ply the Little India route but even those are nothing compared to the bus rides here. They are full to the max and there aren't any doors (I was standing AT the opening of the bus and had to try to stay on it). It's all open-windows on the buses, for which I am very grateful. Everybody's jammed against everybody on the buses but the people here are very respectful and friendly. The men aren't pervvy and they're all generous with directions and stuff. Nice :)

The famed Hospital. I felt very happy there, if not entirely at home yet (it's been one day after all). It's depressing at first, seeing all the people lying around the corridors barefoot but then you realize at least they'll not be turned away from this hospital and that's a wonderful thing. The wards are less bountiful than I'd thought but only because I haven't yet had a chance to explore the place fully (my team's off Monday afternoons since they work Saturdays). Am starting with General Medicine first and then General Surgery the last 2 weeks. The system is very similar to Singapore's -- consultant, reg, MO, HO. But their differential lists are amazing. All sorts of obscure stuff you see in med textbooks that don't ever cross the lips of the Singapore practitioners feature quite prominently in the case workup sheets. I'm lost. Need to do major reading. Esp on bloody hematology (even the Indian HOs agree hemato sucks!).

Will update more once I go check if they've fixed my shower (it was dribbling yesterday). In general, campus is a happy place, although it looks like a set from the 1960s. The dirt never fails to gross me out but I'm starting to notice it less. I was incredibly homesick yesterday but with time I guess that'll clear too. Am going to try the dosai for dinner.